We’ve all met people who seem to constantly make everything about themselves, with little to no regard for others. And whether you’re dating them, friends with them, or they’re a family member, you’ve probably noticed they’re not exactly pleasant to be around. Here’s how to be sure you’re dealing with a self-absorbed person and what to do about it, according to experts.
What does it mean to be “self-absorbed”?
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A self-absorbed person is someone who is only concerned about themselves and shows little interest or care for others. As licensed marriage and family therapist Shane Birkel, LMFT explains to mbg, these people “have a hard time with empathy and compassion for other people and other people’s perspective, and they’re much more focused on getting their own needs and wants met.”
According to clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, we see this behavior in children between the ages of 2 and 6, who are going through something called the pre-operational stage, which is very ego-centric. It’s to be expected in children, she notes, but for adults who are self-absorbed, “it’s almost like they never outgrew that stage—even if they have great scripts and can mask their self-absorption.”
How it relates to narcissism.
While there are many types of narcissism (and varying degrees), a lot of qualities and behaviors of a narcissist will overlap with someone who is self-absorbed. For starters, Neo says, narcissists are very entitled, as are self-absorbed people. “You have to be pretty entitled to always want to bring everything back to you,” she adds.
And even if a self-absorbed person may not qualify for the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), Birkel says, they can still have narcissistic tendencies like manipulation, controlling, and a general lack of empathy or care for others. Just as a square is a rectangle but a rectangle isn’t a square, a narcissist is self-absorbed, but a self-absorbed person isn’t necessarily a narcissist.
7 common signs to look out for.
1. They call all the shots.
One of the more obvious signs of self-absorption is when someone is always calling the shots. Whether it’s where you’re going for dinner or when you have sex, Birkel says this kind of person wants everything their way and will probably not appreciate your thoughts, ideas, or recommendations.
2. They make everything a competition.
Is this person always trying to one-up you? Or in some cases, “one-down” you? Neo explains that self-absorbed people always make everything a competition. They may brag about an accomplishment right after you shared your own exciting news, or in the case of “one-downing,” she adds, “they’ll want to compete with you about how they’re suffering more” when you’re upset about something.
3. They use manipulation to get their way.
As Birkel notes, things like emotional manipulation and controlling behavior are certainly signs someone is self-absorbed, because someone who cares for the people in their life won’t be constantly exhibiting those types of behaviors. This is where you want to look out for other signs of narcissism, such as gaslighting and emotional abuse.
4. They always respond to your problems with toxic positivity.
There are some self-absorbed people who know what they should say in certain situations, even if they don’t really mean it. Keep an eye out for toxic positivity, Neo says, in those moments when someone says something that seems nice, but isn’t really helpful and is actually dismissing your concerns or problems.
5. They know how to mask their selfishness.
Similar to toxic positivity, there are other ways a self-absorbed person can “mask” their self-centeredness. According to Neo, a lot of people like this “tend to be able to pick up the right things to say, or know to praise you.” But once they’ve said the right things, she adds, they’ll weasel in some competition or bring the conversation back to themselves.
6. They’re always the center of attention.
Simply put, “they want to be the center of attention,” Birkel says—and they’ll make it so. Neo echoes this, adding that self-absorbed person knows how to tailor the conversation to them, and can always bring it back to them. And when they’re not the center of attention, she adds, they may appear visibly bored or uninterested in their body language.
7. Their openness might be charming at first.
Self-absorbed people can be very charming or interesting at first, Birkel notes. “They can come across as emotionally intelligent initially,” he explains, adding that because there’s a lot of closed off people out there, it can be refreshing to hear someone talk openly about themselves. But you want to be mindful of this, he says, and pay attention to whether they show interest in you too, by asking questions and simply listening.
How it affects the people around them.
There’s no doubt that spending time with someone who’s self-absorbed, whether a lover or friend, takes a negative toll. “It’s exhausting, like someone’s stealing your energy,” Neo says. “You dread the interaction before, during, and after.”
Not only do interactions with a person like this drain your energy, but you don’t feel listened to or seen, she adds. And in the case of someone good at masking, because they know what to say, you can question whether they’re truly self-absorbed. This, Birkel explains, can lead to someone losing their own sense of self, and even doubting their reality.
“If they’re making all the decisions, overtime you lose a sense of what you want, what you like, and who you are,” he adds. These are all hallmarks of a one-sided friendship.
When it gets particularly toxic, you may even start to “tip-toe around the other person’s emotions and take responsibility or blame for how the other person is feeling,” he says. And that can really chip away at someone’s self esteem and cause someone to internalize that blame, he adds.
Working through conflicts.
The hard truth is there isn’t much you can do to help someone be less self-absorbed. You can suggest therapy, but ultimately the work is their own to do. “You don’t want the goal to be making someone less self-centered. You want to frame the goal for yourself to get clear on what your boundaries are for yourself,” Birkel says.
Boundaries are key, he says, “so when you’re with that person, you continue to have a voice, and say what you need and want even if they’re not happy about it.” It might upset them in the moment, but in the long run, it’s healthier for both people in the relationship to express themselves.
So that might mean directly telling them how their behavior makes you feel or asking for a different dynamic when you spend time together. Make your communication clear and cogent, Neo notes, taking time to plan your script beforehand if necessary. And to protect yourself, she suggests being prepared to face some pushback from this person–the whole point of self-absorption is that they generally won’t have your back, and it’ll probably take some convincing to get them to budge. “Expect bad behavior,” she says. “Don’t go in innocently thinking everything’s going to be fine—because you’re going to be disappointed.”
Once you’ve set your boundaries firmly, hold to them. And if they don’t like that, they’re ultimately not someone you want in your life, Birkel says. “It’s a good litmus test to set boundaries with people like this, because it will help you decide to what extent you want them in your life.”
From generally self-absorbed people to full-blown narcissists, the bottom line is, if someone isn’t a positive presence to be around, drains your energy, and shows no care or concern for you, they’re not worth keeping around. While it can be hard to cut ties, sometimes it’s necessary for the sake of our own wellbeing. If you think someone in your life is truly self-absorbed, and they don’t respond well to your boundaries, do yourself a favor and don’t offer them any more of your energy.