You swear you’ll never do it again.
Yet, no matter how hard you try, nothing but narcissists land in your romantic lap.
So now you’re wondering: Why am I attracted to narcissists, and how do they find me?
Well, friend, you’ve landed in exactly the right place — because today, we’re talking about why you allow these people in your life and how to avoid narcissists in the future.
Let’s get into it.
What Kind of Person Attracts Narcissists?
What kind of person attracts narcissists?
While everyone has a type, people with extreme narcissistic tendencies are usually attracted to certain traits, including self-doubt, excellent hygiene, and helpfulness.
You may ask, “Excellent hygiene and helpfulness are good qualities, though! Don’t narcissists fall on the nastier side of the scale?”
But here’s the thing: narcissists can better manipulate people with gentler qualities — and they can spot folks with these qualities from miles away.
Typically, individuals with narcissistic personality disorder avoid folks who:
- Have a healthy self-confidence
- Can spot red flags
- Have a firm sense of self
- Are casual and discerning
- Aren’t status-obsessed
- Speak their mind
Why Do I Attract Narcissists? 7 Possible Reasons
What are narcissists attracted to, and why do they seem to find you like a heat-seeking missile?
It could be a million things, but the seven points listed below are ubiquitous.
1. You’re Very Good Looking
People with extreme narcissistic tendencies tend to be better-looking than “average” folks. Why?
Since they love to be the center of attention, they take immaculate care of themselves. Likewise, they prefer to be with partners who are equally good-looking and put together.
They also put a lot of stock in status.
So, if you’re a wealthy scion with a Harvard degree and a gorgeous face, expect to be heavily pursued by narcissists.
Bonus Point: If your partner constantly comments on what you’re wearing or encourages you to change, it’s not a good sign.
People should like you for you and shouldn’t try to micromanage your life. Narcissists are notorious for puppeteering their significant others.
2. You’re a People Pleaser
Are you a people pleaser?
If so, you may find yourself locked in relationships with an excessive number of narcissists. People pleasers are givers; many believe they can “change” other folks. They like to feel wanted and helpful.
Unfortunately, narcissists hook victims by love-bombing, and people pleasers gobble it up.
It’s not wrong to be kind, compassionate, and helpful. Just make sure it doesn’t blind you to bad folks.
Bonus Point: If you’re always the one who must change your plans — or you find yourself constantly apologizing for minuscule reasons — take a step back and try to assess the situation from a more objective viewpoint.
Are you really at fault, or is your partner nitpicky and unreasonable?
3. You’re Sweet and Successful
Have you spent your life doing everything right? Have you worked hard and done well? Do you have impeccable manners?
Answering yes to all three questions is yet another red flag, and there’s a better than average chance you’ve attracted your fair share of narcissists.
As we’ve mentioned, people with NPD prefer partners who present well. So they’ll go out of their way to snag someone with “the whole package.”
Bonus Point: Do they lose their $#!+ when you make common, understandable mistakes? If so, get out now.
4. You Were Raised by a Narcissistic Parent or Are One
People raised by narcissists are much more likely to end up in a relationship with one. After all, if your “normal” involves placating people with NPD, then you’re probably very good at it. Heck, you may not even notice when you’re doing it.
The other possibility is that you, too, fall closer to the NPD side of the scale. Double-narcissistic couples can start off wonderfully. You may think you’ve found your soul mate. But in short order, things explode.
Why? Because you’re both fighting to be the center of attention — and the competition becomes too hot to handle.
Bonus Point: If you think you may have narcissistic tendencies, consider doing some shadow work.
5. You Have a Savior Complex
Are you the type of person who’s always looking to save others? It’s a commendable trait in healthy doses, but things can go left quickly if you develop a complex.
For starters, people with savior complexes tend to be…well…a tad full of themselves. They believe they have all the answers and are best positioned to fix every problem.
Saviors and narcissists work well together in the beginning. The savior wants to rehabilitate the narcissist, and the narcissist likes the enraptured attention offered by the savior.
The problem is that most narcissists never wake up to the fact that they’re the problem, so the relationship doesn’t have room to grow and change.
Plus, the savior may lose interest when they realize they can’t do their favorite thing: turning people around.
Bonus Point: People must save themselves. It’s the only way. If you find yourself playing the role of savior, consider doing some deep shadow work to uncover why you try to impose your values on other people.
6. You’re Empathic
Why are empaths attracted to narcissists? Empathic people are highly-sensitive and sometimes upload the troubles and baggage of those around them. It’s also another personality trait that’s highly attractive to narcissists.
Like saviors, empaths want to rescue people and are therefore targets for narcissists.
No one gets me like you do. I’ve never felt this way about anybody. I feel so lucky to have found you, and I’ll never let you go! Narcissists will say things like this by the second date, which feeds the empathic ego.
But the further things progress, the more contentious things become. The empath of the relationship may also suffer serious mental health breaks because they’re dealing with everyone else’s emotions in addition to their own.
Bonus Point: In recent years, it’s become trendy to declare oneself an empath. But in reality, very few people are. To get a better reading, visit a life coach or therapist who will help you better understand yourself.
7. You’re Codependent
Codependent people can be extremely sweet and generous, but they can also be exceptionally needy. At their worst, codependent folks are clingy.
Since they’re parched for love and affection, codependent people will allow people with narcissistic tendencies to dominate every situation.
Bonus Point: Codependent people should seriously consider counseling. Doing so will likely lower anxiety levels and teach you how to enjoy “alone time.”
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How to Stop Attracting Narcissists
We’ve discussed why you may be a narcissist’s target. But now, let’s talk about how to break the pattern and learn a new relationship dynamic.
What strategies can you implement to repel narcissists?
- Set Firm Boundaries: Don’t accept less than you give; set firm boundaries and clearly communicate them early on. If the other person respects your wishes, great! If not, consider getting out sooner rather than later.
- Develop Self-Confidence: Self-confidence is a balm for life’s troubles. Besides, narcissists typically stay far away from strong people with healthy self-esteem.
- Enlist a Therapist or Coach: Mental health is just as important as physical health. Finding yourself in relationship after relationship with a narcissist may be a clue that you have some issues to uncover. A therapist or life coach can help you dig up the root of the problem and give you tools to extricate yourself from the situation.
- Do the Research: When we know more, we handle things better. If you find yourself dating a string of narcissists, read up on the topic. Doing so will teach you how to better deal with pathologically self-absorbed people, and you’ll better be able to spot red flags in the future.
- Don’t Make Looks a Priority: Yes, attraction is an integral part of any relationship — but it’s not the only thing. Before you start a committed relationship, ensure your partner’s beauty does not blind you. Do you have similar interests? Does the other person respect your boundaries? Are they responsible? Are they kind and compassionate? These are questions to prioritize over physical appearance.
Try not to blame yourself if you end up with a narcissist. It happens to the best of us. But try to learn from your missteps to better spot the red flags associated with narcissism.