Uh oh – it seems things are getting more serious than you intended.
You swore it would just be a brief, thrilling fling, a chance to indulge in a forbidden fantasy.
But somehow, against your better judgment, you’ve started to develop real feelings for your secret lover.
Your heart flutters when you get a text from them.
You find yourself daydreaming about a future together.
You’re in dangerous territory, my friend.
This affair is on the brink of upending your life in ways you never imagined.
Before you get in too deep, confirm the signs suggesting your affair partner is becoming much more than a casual fling.
It’s a question that gives every sane person pause.
We’ve been culturally conditioned to view affairs as taboo – illicit relationships based only on sexual attraction and fantasy.
But the heart wants what it wants.
And sometimes, against the odds, real love can blossom out of infidelity.
Affairs are often attempts to fill a void in a broken marriage. If the affair helps you discover that void, and your lover truly connects with your soul, it’s possible.
But it’s a painful path that will upend many lives.
Proceed with caution, open eyes, and a willingness to accept the consequences before declaring an affair “true love.”
15 Sure Signs An Affair Is Getting Serious
So your secret rendezvous has started feeling like something more.
How can you tell if your affair partner is becoming a genuine love interest versus a casual fling?
Watch for these 15 key signs that your illicit relationship is deepening into serious emotional territory.
1. You Spend More Time Talking Than Making Love
In the beginning, your trysts were all about sating pent-up sexual energy and exploring each other’s bodies. But lately, your intimacy has become more emotional. You look forward to hours of conversation, opening up about your dreams, hurts, and regrets.
The sex is still there, but it feels like an expression of deeper feelings rather than just scratching an itch. You’ve moved beyond lust into genuine friendship and intellectual connection. If the talking outpaces the lovemaking, it’s a sign you genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
2. You Make Excuses to See Them
At first, stolen moments with your lover were a rare treat. But now you catch yourself inventing flimsy justifications to extend your time together. You schedule imaginary meetings and tack on extra errands to justify being away from home longer.
Or you call in sick to work for the chance to lounge in bed together all day. Making up weak excuses to see them more often means you crave their company and don’t want to wait.
In the throes of new love, we tend to overshare before thinking it through. Have you caught yourself revealing private details about your marriage, finances, family matters, or work? Do you trust this person with confidential information you’d never tell a casual fling?
Letting down your guard demonstrates intimacy and bonding. But make sure to keep perspective before spilling your deepest secrets.
4. You Get Jealous of Their Spouse
The green-eyed monster can rear its head when emotions run high. Do you feel irritated hearing them talk about their spouse? Are you bothered picturing them having couple time or being intimate with their partner?
Unreasonable jealousy means you want them all to yourself. But remember, they have a committed relationship and life outside of you. Keep jealousy in check before it sabotages things.
5. You Make Future Plans Together
Have your conversations drifted to making plans beyond the next secret rendezvous? Do you fantasize out loud about weekend getaways, future vacations abroad, or even a shared life together?
Making extended plans is a sign you’re both thinking long-term and eager to prolong the relationship. But tread carefully to avoid losing yourself in fantasy and neglecting the reality of your situation.
6. Your Time Together Feels Dreamy
The start of a romance can induce a dreamlike state. Do you feel floaty, energized, and transported when you’re together, like all your problems melt away? When you look into each other’s eyes, does the rest of the world fall away?
This magical feeling is biochemistry at work, all those intoxicating hormones and neurotransmitters. Ride the wave, but avoid letting the high overshadow practical concerns.
7. You Open Up Emotionally
Have your discussions turned more heartfelt and vulnerable? Do you confide your secret pains, insecurities, regrets, and hopes for the future? Emotional openness signifies trust and intimacy.
But make sure you both feel safe sharing tender feelings. And know that true intimacy requires both partners to be open, not just one doing all the revealing.
8. You Start Comparing Your Spouse Negatively
A dangerous red flag is viewing your spouse in an increasingly negative light in contrast to your affair partner. Do you see your partner as more attractive, interesting, and understanding than your spouse?
Making mental comparisons that put down your marriage is a slippery slope that distorts reality. Appreciate your lover’s qualities without denigrating your husband or wife.
9. You Neglect Your Spouse
Consumed by your secret romance, you start withdrawing from your marriage emotionally and physically. Date nights stop, and sex grows rare.
You’re short-tempered and always distracted. If your spouse feels like an afterthought, it’s time for a reality check. Refocus energy on your marriage or thoughtfully consider separation. Don’t let neglect destroy your family.
10. You Publicly Risk Your Affair
As your guard drops, you get careless about hiding the affair. Whether it’s becoming overly familiar in public, telling a friend, or leaving hints on your phone or computer, your actions could expose the relationship.
This indifference to getting caught shows your lover occupies more mental space than protecting your marriage. Be vigilant before your recklessness ruins everything.
11. You Make Big Relationship Decisions
Major life choices start revolving around your lover. You accept a job offer across the country to be nearer to them. You tell your spouse you don’t want more kids because it doesn’t work with this affair.
Key decisions now factor in your lover’s needs over your family’s. Be cautious before upending everything for someone you’re still getting to know.
12. You Talk About Leaving Your Spouse
The fantasy starts to turn concrete as you seriously discuss leaving your marriage. Even if you map out timelines, make promises, or hint to your spouse, the reality is sobering.
Before ending a marriage, exhaust other options: marriage counseling, trial separation, and honest dialogue. Don’t rush exit strategies under affair influences.
13. You Say, “I Love You”
Dropping the L-word signals a desire for a long-term commitment. But proceed with caution. The intoxication of an affair can create emotional illusions. Or the urge to say it may spring from loneliness, lust, or longing for romance.
Be sure the feelings are real and sustainable outside the haze of infidelity before professing love.
14. You Only Have Eyes for Your Lover
When out socially, you compare everyone to your partner. No one measures up in looks, wit, or sex appeal.
You feel like the luckiest person to have found them. But this idealization and preoccupation border on obsession. Make sure you don’t lose all objectivity, especially if your lover is less available than you’d like.
15. Your Partner Consumes Your Thoughts
Here’s the bottom line – when your lover increasingly dominates your fantasies, intrudes on your workday thoughts, and disrupts your sleep, they have become an emotional priority over your spouse. The question now is this: are you ready to act on that realization with honesty and courage?
If you are so consumed with feelings for your lover that it’s impacting other aspects of your life, you need to step back and take pause. You may feel wildly in love, but is it the kind of love that will stand the test of time and the painful fallout of ending your marriage?
What Is The Possible Fallout When Affairs Turn to Love?
When the emotions go deeper than lust, an affair holds the potential to unravel lives. Before declaring your affair partner “the one,” reflect realistically on how it could impact:
Your Marriage
Your spouse will feel profoundly betrayed and likely want a divorce. This ends your marriage and fractures your family.
You lose your marriage foundation and history with your spouse.
Co-parenting can become challenging after the trust is broken.
Your Children
Divorce takes an emotional toll on kids that they carry for life.
Custody battles can arise, disrupting their living situation.
They may reject your affair partner, complicating visitations.
Friends and family will feel forced to choose sides.
You may be morally judged, ostracized, or called a homewrecker.
In-law relationships will be severed.
Your Finances
Divorce proceedings are costly in lawyers’ fees, asset division, spousal, and child support.
Your household income and savings can be sliced in half overnight.
Your Lover
The fantasy may end once you’re together full-time and real life sets in.
If they also divorce, their fallout will impact your new life together.
Bottom line – never underestimate the upheaval of turning an affair into a legitimate relationship. Be sure you’re ready for the earthquake to come.
It may feel intoxicating to be swept away in forbidden love. But in reality, genuine deep romantic love resulting from an affair is the exception, not the rule. You may feel you are in love, but statistics are bleak on the success of affairs in the long term. Less than 8% of affairs lead to marriage.
For most, the relationship remains sexually motivated or stems from dissatisfaction in the marriage. The limited time together also curtails emotional intimacy. The hot chemistry and secretiveness tend to get misinterpreted as love. But most affairs don’t stand the test of time. If your relationship defies the odds, approach with eyes wide open to the challenges ahead.
What Should I Do If I’m in Love with My Affair Partner?
When an affair turns into a blossoming romance, it’s both exhilarating and excruciating. Before you take any permanent steps, pause to reflect intelligently.
Talk to Your Spouse
If you truly care for your spouse, you owe them an honest conversation before making moves toward divorce. You need to admit the affair and explain your feelings have grown deeper than expected.
Listen with empathy as your partner expresses their shock, anger, and sense of betrayal. Be prepared to answer difficult questions about the relationship. The dialogue may be painful, but it’s necessary to bring your marriage to a fair ending if that’s your choice.
See a Therapist
Rather than acting rashly on your emotions, explore them objectively with a professional third party. A skilled therapist can help you unpack what marital issues or personal voids may be driving your affinity for your affair partner.
They can challenge you to view the relationship realistically, not just through rose-colored infatuation. You may address underlying problems and gain clarity before taking permanent steps you later regret.
Consider a Trial Separation
Instead of immediately filing for divorce, propose a time-limited separation to your spouse. Move into your own place and experience life apart for a few months or longer. This gives you both breathing room while allowing you to date your lover openly.
Away from the intrigue, does the relationship hold up and flourish? Or do you discover you idealized your lover and miss your marriage more? If after the trial period you still feel strongly, divorce proceedings can commence with more certainty.
Set Rules and Time Limits
If you plan to continue the affair, establish clear rules and boundaries to protect people’s hearts as much as possible. Limit interactions to certain days and times. Don’t call or text daily or say, “I love you.”
Set an end review date to re-evaluate whether you want to stay married or pursue divorce. The affair may run its course if underlying marital issues are resolved. Be as disciplined as possible to avoid escalation.
Visualize Impacts
Mentally play out how divorcing your spouse for your affair partner would impact those you love. Picture your spouse’s grief and your children’s confusion. Envision family members and friends taking sides.
Try to feel how your reputation could suffer. Imagine starting over financially and co-parenting with tension. Truly visualizing the magnitude of consequences creates hesitation that can lead to wiser choices.
Proceed Slowly
When emotions are running hot, our judgment fails us. Avoid making big pronouncements or life-changing moves under the temporary spell of infatuation. Let adrenaline settle before taking any major steps toward divorce, moving in together, or introducing your lover to loved ones.
Time is your friend when assessing the long-term viability of your relationship outside the honeymoon stage.
Focus on Wise Versus Easy
In these situations, the wise road forward rarely aligns with the easy one. It takes courage and maturity to make choices guided by integrity rather than passion. Ask yourself what advice you would give a friend in your shoes.
Counsel yourself as you would a loved one you want protected from long-term harm. Then dig deep within to follow the path that aligns with your highest values, even if it’s the harder road. The work will pay dividends through lessons learned.
Final Thoughts
Affairs of the heart are always complicated. If, against the odds, you do find love, reflect carefully before you act. Focus on wisdom over passion. Move slowly. And remember the words of Maya Angelou: “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
