Are You Experiencing Love, Or Is It Just Limerence? The Difference Matters

October 11, 2021 — 14:03 PM

You begin and end your day thinking about them nonstop: the little freckle on their cheek, the cute way their eyes crinkle when they laugh, how they perfectly remind you of all of your favorite love songs. You didn’t think you would be able to find love like how you hoped when you were a kid, but at last, here they are — the truest form of romance you’ve been taught to strive for. 

This style of dating sounds devastatingly romantic, but when it’s this sugarcoated, it’s often not actually an accurate representation of love. If you’ve recently met someone and it mirrors this experience, it can seem like a dream come true instead of what it really is: limerence.

Limerence is a mental state of profound romantic infatuation, deep obsession, and fantastical longing. The experience can range from euphoria to despair. “Limerence is a term that was coined by [psychologist] Dorothy Tennov in the ‘70s,” relationship therapist Eliza Boquin, LMFT, tells mbg. “It refers to the exciting feelings you get when you first meet someone. During this time we often just want more of that person—more time, more affection, etc. It’s an intense emotional arousal that leaves us craving for another person. Often people refer to this feeling as love at first sight.”

At first glance, limerence doesn’t sound all that different from falling in love. In fact, it doesn’t sound negative at all to be that wowed by someone and adore them wholeheartedly. But it’s important to recognize the distinction between seeing a person clearly so you can develop a relationship with them or if you’re unintentionally reducing their complex personhood down to a manic pixie concept, shaped primarily by your hopes and dreams and what they can offer you. It can feel incredibly exciting to be swept away so completely by someone, but even in its best state of high drama, limerence is akin to empty calories compared to what nourishing love can truly offer. 

Couples therapist Silva Depanian, LMFT, says limerence is often confused for love. “Many people don’t really recognize the existence of limerence, and simply consider someone experiencing it to be a ‘hopeless romantic’ or ‘passionately in love.’ But limerence and love are not the same thing. If anything, limerence can be considered the fool’s gold of love, seemingly shiny but with no real substance.” 

According to Boquin, limerence and love can start off similarly as a dopamine rush, which is why it can be confusing to spot. But while limerence is short-lived and conditional, real love is fluid and unconditional. When you really love someone, you want them to be happy despite what they can give you. The initial attraction develops over time and eventually reinforces into something substantial and lasting.

“Love is more steady and grounding whereas limerence leaves us with that feeling of being in the clouds,” Boquin explains. “Love is a deep connection that people develop after knowing one another, experiencing life together, and overcoming challenges together.” 

Depanian adds that limerence often comes with the tendency to ignore flaws and red flags: “With limerence, you may find yourself hyper-focusing on the subject of your affection (the limerent object) and their positive characteristics to the point of ignoring existing flaws, and directing your intense, irrational emotions towards the idea of what they represent for you instead of who that person actually is in reality.”

If you’re still unsure if you’re in this dynamic, consider it from this angle. Depanian explains that love stabilizes with partners bonding through mutual connection, interests, empathy, and shared experiences. Conversely, limerence is marked by intensity and then rapid destabilization. The projection can’t pull through enough to create a relationship since it’s not a sustainable model for connection. “Love is rooted in connection, intimacy, mutuality, and reality, whereas limerence is rooted in possession, obsession, jealousy, and delusions,” she notes.

It can be hard to suss out the signs of limerence since the very concept itself is usually seen as a fairytale and therefore positive in contemporary culture. But knowing the subtle difference between limerence and love can help you enter the right commitments and ensure you’re seeing each other the way you both deserve. 

According to Depanian, here are a few signs to look out for to indicate that you might be falling in limerence, not love: 

Limerence is based upon you handpicking certain traits and experiences about the object of your affection and then shaping it out to a bigger story about who they are instead of letting time fill in the gaps. Because your view of them is so limited, you can’t fully appreciate who they are throughout the good and the bad and, subsequently, interact with the relationship authentically. There’s a lack of vulnerability in the connection if you aren’t able to make the choice to choose each other after knowing about each other’s baggage, pain points, and potentially negative characteristics. 

If you’re experiencing limerence, Depanian notes it’s essential to recognize the illusion you’ve constructed in your head. “The version you may have built about the person is simply a glorified and exaggerated fantasy made specifically to represent the fulfillment of [your] unmet needs.” 

Are your thoughts about them intrusively all-consuming and getting in the way of you living your everyday life? Do you find yourself creating a lot of meaning out of fleeting, seemingly inconsequential moments to ruminate over? If so, it’s a sign that you’re experiencing limerence and off track, Depanian says. “You will fantasize about and sometimes involuntarily obsess over even the shortest, most insignificant interactions you’ve had with the limerent object and imagine your future together even if there is no actual relationship.” 

Relationships are strung together through a collection of all types of moments. They aren’t always rosy, but connections permeated with true emotional connection feel sturdy and multi-dimensional in its variation. Limerence doesn’t have the same depth, and if you’re in it, it can feel more like a one-note romantic comedy. 

It can be a challenge for you to focus on anything other than your crush. Your friends complain that they don’t see you as much, and they miss you. Work starts to slip as you rush through projects so you can hurry back home to them. You haven’t picked up your hobbies or passions in weeks in favor of whatever they have going on. Real life just feels like a distraction—wasted liminal time until you’re back in their arms. “The preoccupation with them can result in a significant decrease of functionality in your other relationships and responsibilities,” Depanian notes.

The thing about real love is that it enhances your life, while limerence swallows up all aspects of your life to make space for one thing only: your obsession over your relationship. 

“Another sign of limerence is your emotional dependence on the limerent object, if you’re experiencing a strong, persistent yearning for them to reciprocate their feelings,” Depanian says. When you’re not around them, you can feel anxious almost like you’re withdrawing from a drug. “This combined with your exaggerated interpretations of the meaning behind their behaviors and cues can result in mood swings, with either feelings of extreme euphoria and excitement as perceived signs of reciprocity or feelings of deep depression, anxiety, or anger at perceived signs of rejection.” 

You may find yourself overstepping personal boundaries if the person you like expresses boundaries or distance from you. You don’t see it as an action independent from you but instead personalize it and filter it through fear and abandonment. 

You tend to interpret their behaviors in all-or-nothing thinking. You’re excessively aware of reciprocation on their part and hungry for their approval about you and the relationship. Pay attention to the extent of how much they affect you and why you’re so knocked off balance if they don’t respond the way you want them to. 

“While love involves reciprocity in feelings between partners, limerence involves only a craving for that reciprocity, which results in a mostly one-sided relationship. With love, both partners recognize and accept each other’s flaws and virtues, loving the entire person,” Depanian says.

It may be useful for you to understand that even if you’ve never felt this way about a person before, that doesn’t mean the person is uniquely special. It just means that you’re accessing a new part of yourself that they’re bringing forward in you. Take the time to dig into them to learn about their stories, interests, and dreams instead of glossing it over for those sparkly feelings. 

The first stage of limerence is actually akin to the first stage of a relationship, says Boquin, pulling from the work of renown marriage therapist John Gottman, Ph.D. This is what’s known as the “falling in love” stage according to his work; in the stages of limerence, it’s known as the infatuation stage. 

“This is the limerence phase,” she says. “At this falling in love stage, we are flooded with chemicals that heighten how we feel about the other person. This influence is so strong that it’s easy to overlook red flags during this time.”

You might find yourself physically nervous and too clammed up to evaluate if they’re actually a good fit for you. Instead, you’re more comfortable (it may feel uncontrollable on your part) merging with them and spending time harmonizing to their wants and interests instead of being discerning. They feel too extraordinary to lose, and there doesn’t seem to be anything bad about them. You’re more concerned with advancing towards them to feel the high rather than doing something that will add distance or burst the bubble. 

According to Gottman’s framework, the next stage of relationships is the trust-building stage. “Here is where limerence begins to fade and the partners face challenges, disappointments and determine whether they can work through these distances,” she asserts. “The more attuned partners are to one another, the greater their chances of having a successful relationship.” 

However, with limerence, the next stage is known as the crystallization phase. Rejection is avoided at all costs, and it’s more about maintaining the intensity and packaging yourself positively to gain their approval. Red flags are transformed into green flags as you rationalize away any negative behavior. Limerence appears heavily in the form of extreme compulsive thoughts about how they feel about you and you seeking their affection at all costs. There’s still a strong desire to keep the honeymoon period alive during this stage. 

According to Gottman, the third stage of a healthy relationship is building commitment and loyalty. “This is where partners nurture a relationship that feels safe and equitable,” Boquin notes. “A sense of fairness and satisfaction results from their ability to turn towards one another when working through conflict, instead of turning away from the relationship. This is the phase of love that feels most steady and predictable—the opposite of the limerence phase.”

When it reaches this phase for limerence, it’s instead called the deterioration phase. Instead of the relationship strengthening, it’s falling apart. At this point, you’ve most likely lost interest in your person as the illusion recedes and they’re not what you thought you wanted. It usually ends with crushing disappointment and frustration.

Limerence doesn’t have to be an inherently unhealthy experience. In fact, it can even be normal unless it becomes all-consuming. While Tennov—the psychologist who coined the term limerence—was conducting her research, she noted limerence had problematic beginnings but also had the potential to healthily bond with each other.

The problem is that limerence feels super good on a neurochemical level, and it can quickly slide into addiction and lovesickness. “With the added elements of obsession and codependency, experiencing limerence can be highly detrimental to your psyche and overall well-being,” Depanian points out. “When limerence becomes too obsessive, it may result in stalking behaviors towards the individual.” 

Limerence can be a painful process to untangle yourself from because it’s likely wrapped up in your sense of self, self-worth, and self-esteem as well. If you’re dealing with limerence, it may be necessary to figure out how you can ground yourself back into reality to feel more emotionally stable and grounded. To do this, Depanian suggests investigating the attraction thoughtfully to demystify the magnetism of your partner and seeking professional help if it’s a chronic pattern. 

“You could benefit from trying to discover the reasons behind your intense attachment to them. Try to understand what exactly they represent for you. For example, it could represent a fulfillment of unmet childhood needs or a fresh start after a difficult breakup,” she says. “A therapist might be able to help the individual better understand themselves and their unmet needs, ultimately leading to detachment from the unhealthy, one-sided relationship.”

Limerence has similar origins to love, according to both Boquin and Depanian. What matters is if you’re able to tolerate the discomfort of loving a person, not the fantasy, and if you can still show up for them as the relationship burns from passionate love to compassionate love. 

“Limerence brings us together and presents an opportunity to develop into love. But as much as we’d like to have a guarantee whether or not things will work out, there is no guarantee,” Boquin says. “Love is a risk. However building and nurturing a relationship built on trust and fairness will open the door to deeper intimacy. Ultimately, that’s what we’re seeking in relationships but it takes each partner’s intention and effort. It won’t just happen.” 

Infatuation occurs when you’re more interested in having your crush fulfill some idea you have in your mind more than you care about meeting the person in front of you exactly as they are. It can shift into a healthier relationship once you stop idealizing them and bring curiosity into the way you are connecting with them. “Limerence might be able to turn into love, but only with a shift in mindset from the individual experiencing limerence,” Depanian affirms. The key is to give yourself the same validation and meaning you’re seeking in the other. 

“Instead of relying on them to fulfill those needs, you would have to begin relying on yourself, your growth, and your strength to achieve true joy, meet your own needs, and make room for themselves. This makes room for the mutual connection, openness, understanding, and empathy experienced in love,” she adds.

The idea of limerence is beautiful, but it can veer into a shallow and emotionally immature version of love instead of the real thing. If you’re feeling out of sorts with a new love interest, slowing down to fold logic into your emotions can help you from perpetuating any unhealthy limerent behaviors. Take the time to ground yourself and think about what they realistically represent for you so your partner can complement you, instead of complete you. 

Deep love is quietly intimate, and it comes with equal parts of beauty and terror. It’s scary to take a leap of faith, but you both deserve to be seen entirely. Don’t settle for anything else.