Relationships are complex and require constant effort to maintain and improve. However, by integrating the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model and Gottman principles, couples can cultivate greater self-awareness, empathy, and communication skills to deepen their connection and build a healthier relationship. In this article, we will explore how these two approaches can complement each other and provide practical tools for couples to enhance their relationship.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) Model
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model is a therapeutic approach that has gained popularity throughout recent years. It’s a model that helps individuals better understand their internal landscape and the different parts of themselves. It assumes that everyone has various “parts” within themselves, and these parts interact with each other to shape their emotions, behavior, and beliefs. For instance, a person may have a part that is critical of themselves, while another part wants to be kind and compassionate. At the heart of IFS is the idea that individuals have a “Self” or a core essence that is fundamentally good, curious, and compassionate. However, this Self can become obscured or overwhelmed by the presence of “parts” that are more reactive, defensive, or protective. These parts may be formed as a result of traumatic experiences, societal messages, or other external factors. IFS aims to help individuals identify and work with these parts to cultivate inner harmony and balance.
Gottman Principles
Dr. John Gottman is a renowned psychologist and relationship expert who has studied couples for decades. His research has identified key principles for building and maintaining a healthy relationship. These principles include developing effective communication skills, managing conflict constructively, building intimacy and connection, and creating shared meaning.
Combining IFS and Gottman Principles
By combining the IFS model and Gottman principles, couples can deepen their understanding of themselves and each other, improve communication, and develop practical skills to manage conflicts and build a more fulfilling relationship. Here are some ways that IFS and Gottman’s principles can be integrated:
- Identify and work with your parts
The first step in integrating IFS and Gottman’s principles is to identify and work with your internal parts. This involves learning to recognize when different parts of yourself are activated, and understanding how they influence your behavior and emotions. For instance, you may have a part that becomes defensive or engages in the Four Horsemen that Gottman discusses, when your partner gives you feedback. By recognizing and working with this part, you can learn to listen more openly and respond more constructively.
- Develop effective communication skills
Gottman method emphasizes the importance of effective communication in building a healthy relationship. By learning to listen actively, express your needs clearly, and respond empathetically, couples can enhance their understanding of each other and build deeper connections. IFS can complement this approach by helping individuals identify and communicate their different parts, allowing them to express themselves more authentically and effectively.
- Manage conflict constructively
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how couples manage it can make all the difference. Gottman’s principles emphasize the importance of managing conflicts constructively, by learning to approach disagreements with curiosity and empathy, rather than defensiveness or criticism. IFS can help couples understand the different parts of themselves that are triggered in conflict, allowing them to respond more mindfully and compassionately.
- Build intimacy and connection
Developing intimacy and connection is essential to building a fulfilling relationship. It is important to build a culture of appreciation, create shared experiences, and prioritize the relationship. IFS complements this approach by helping individuals identify and work with their different parts that may block intimacy, such as fear, shame, or vulnerability.
By integrating the IFS model and Gottman principles, couples can develop greater self-awareness, empathy, and communication skills to deepen their connection and build a healthier relationship. Whether you are looking to resolve conflicts, enhance intimacy, or improve communication, this integrated approach can provide practical tools and insights to help you achieve your goals. With practice and commitment, couples can cultivate a deeper understanding of themselves and each other, leading to a more fulfilling and meaningful relationship.
Janet is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker licensed in California, Florida, South Carolina, Texas, and North Carolina. Her background is Russian, Armenian, and American. She believes it is important to take into consideration how one’s cultural background impacts their mental health and life’s challenges. Her experience includes working at psychotherapy clinics and centers with a variety of clients of different ages and backgrounds- those struggling with severe psychiatric mental illnesses, substance and process addictions, couples dealing with a wide range of relational problems, and individuals working through past trauma, etc.
She is a certified EMDR and Brainspotting psychotherapist. She is trained in Attachment Focused EMDR, the Havening Techniques, and other trauma modalities. Using the lens of EMDR, she helps clients understand and process the impact of trauma and move through states of protection and connection in their nervous system to establish an embodied sense of safety. Additionally, she is a clinical supervisor for therapists who are working towards their licensure.
Janet is a member of the EMDR international association, California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, and member of the California Society of Clinical Social Workers. She graduated with a Master’s Degree in Social Work from the University of Southern California and a Bachelor’s from California State University Northridge.
