Moving in with your partner is a life-altering step in the relationship. Even if you already share each other’s spaces, you each have a home you can go to for alone time, not to mention that household expenses and decisions are separate. You want a neon green couch? You get a neon green couch. No one else has a say in the matter.
There’s so much to consider when deciding when to move in together because so much will change. Here’s some expert advice to help you figure out if you and your partner are ready for this transition or if it might be too soon.
What to know before moving in with a partner.
Before moving in with a partner, it’s important to have a conversation discussing both the practical and emotional aspects of living together, says licensed marriage and family therapist Rachel Freidus, LMFT. “I would highly recommend discussing logistics, finances, and feelings about living together.”
She suggests talking about practical matters such as:
Where you’ll live
The types of residences you’re interested in
How you’ll furnish the new place
How expenses will be allocated in a way that works for both parties
“In addition to all the conversations, it is important to be together in the same physical space enough to know what living with the other person would be like,” Freidus says. “Spend weekends and evenings together. Go food shopping together. Take part in activities of each other’s daily lives. Take vacations together. Spend as much time together as possible in order to feel confident about the decision to live together.”
According to Paul C. Brunson, a professional matchmaker and host on UK dating shows Married At First Sight and Celebs Go Dating, the No. 1 thing you need to consider before moving in with your partner is behavioral consistency. You have to know what to expect. “Behavioral consistency refers to people’s tendency to behave in a way today that matches their past decisions or behaviors,” he says. “This single metric is vital because, without it, you literally can’t trust your partner. And you should never move in or share your world with someone you don’t trust.”
Honestly assess your partner’s behavior and determine if they regularly conduct themselves in a manner that makes you comfortable living with them. “If you notice erratic behavior that is unpredictable, irregular, or illogical for the situation, that is someone with whom I would not be willing to share keys to a home or my heart,” Brunson explains.
5 signs you’re ready to move in together:
1. You’ve had productive discussions about the potential move.
Have your conversations about the logistics and financial aspects of moving gone well? Freidus says these discussions are a great way to gauge your and your partner’s ability to agree and compromise—a crucial element of living together.
2. You’ve been together long enough to know your partner well.
Anyone can carry themselves in the most desirable manner for brief periods. This is why both Brunson and Freidus recommend spending significant time together to accurately assess your partner’s behavioral consistency. “The tricky part to behavioral consistency is that it’s not determined by words but rather by actions. Therefore, it’s essential to observe your partner’s actions over time,” Brunson explains.
3. You feel comfortable sharing space when there’s conflict.
Freidus points out that there should be a level of comfort between the two of you, even when there’s discord. Because if you live with your partner, you’ll have to share space when you’re upset, annoyed, or disagree with them. You want to ensure that the environment won’t prohibit you from feeling content and at ease in your own home.
4. Your reasons for moving in together are based on more than circumstance.
“What makes us want to live together?” This is a question Freidus suggests each of you ask yourselves and each other. The answer shouldn’t center around simple convenience. If you’re only moving in together to save money or because both your leases are up, you may want to rethink the decision. Confirm both of you have a genuine desire to take this step, independent of external factors.
Even if you’re a bit nervous, Freidus says that you and your partner should be enthusiastic about moving in together. You should feel happy in the relationship. Overall, this should be a joyful time when you look forward to making the idea a reality.
Signs it might be too soon:
1. Someone feels pressured.
Moving in with a romantic partner is a decision neither of you should be coerced into. It shouldn’t be made under duress. Freidus encourages making sure that you’re not doing it because you feel like you “should” or are “supposed to” move in together at this stage in your relationship—but rather, you’re doing it because you actively want to live with the other person. If it doesn’t happen out of 100% free will, there will likely be regrets.
2. The thought of moving in together causes you substantial anxiety.
Don’t ignore your intuition. “Nerves are normal,” Freidus assures us. “But if the nerves feel like dread or panic, it’s important to take some time to understand those feelings and not take that step yet.”
3. You don’t always feel safe with your partner.
This is a huge red flag. Full stop. If you don’t always feel safe and secure with your partner—including in moments of conflict, when they’re angry or sad, or when communicating your needs—Freidus says that moving in together will not improve things.
As Brunson emphasizes, trust is especially imperative when sharing your home with someone. You must hold a firm belief that you’re making the right decision, with the right person. If you still have concerns about who your partner is and whether they can help cultivate a positive living environment, it may be too soon for you to move in together, if at all.
It takes more than love and financial support to sustain healthy cohabitation. And it’s much more complicated to break up with someone you live with.
Once you’ve made the decision to live with your significant other, Freidus recommends regular discussions early on about things like managing household responsibilities, accommodating sleep and work schedules, and giving each other space as needed. This will help you continue to effectively navigate what can be a rewarding experience that brings you and your partner closer.
