Do you have a hidden kink that you have yet to explore? Let’s talk about what a kink actually is, how to separate a kink from a fetish, and a comprehensive list of some of the most common and popular kinks out there.
Kink is anything that veers away from the “normal” or expected sexual path. It’s used to describe “things that are of particular sexual curiosity and interest to someone, particularly those things, behaviors, or practices that are outside of normative sexual behavior,” explains Kyle Zrenchik, Ph.D., LMFT, ACS, a couples’ and sex therapist and clinical director at ALL IN Therapy Clinic in Minneapolis. The term comes from the Dutch word “kink” referring to a twist or bend in a rope, he adds.
Importantly, kink can be experienced through the realm of fantasy, he adds. One does not have to physically enact their desire in order to derive satisfaction from their kink.
“Kink is something that one may or may not include in their sexual behavior as a way to enhance pleasure and subjective experience. A fetish is something that primarily defines and is inextricably linked to one’s sexual behavior,” says Zrenchik.
A fetish is typically concentrated on an object or a body part, i.e., latex, leather, or feet, whereas a kink could be an action, sex act, behavior, or even dynamic between partners. Fetishes are often all-encompassing and the focal point of a person’s erotic life. A person with a foot fetish, for instance, would not just derive extra pleasure from touching, licking, or seeing feet during sex; instead, they may only want to interact sexually with feet to the exclusion of other things. “They may not engage in any penetrative act at all but will still draw sexual gratification from the act [of interacting with feet],” says Zrenchik.
Outside of sex, the word “fetish” is also used to describe a type of object that’s conferred magical powers, and that’s how you can think of it in reference to sex. Some people have objects or body parts that are sexually enticing to them and hold power over them in a way that is out of “the ordinary.”
Sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D., says you can differentiate between the two using this simple quiz:
Am I aroused by a thing or an action?
Do I need it to be present to be aroused?
Can I enjoy solo sex without it being present?
“If the answer to item 2 is yes and item 3 no, then you have a fetish. On the other hand, if you answered no and yes for items 2 and 3, respectively, then you have a kink,” she says.
BDSM is an umbrella term for bondage, discipline/domination, submission/sadism, and masochism. These kinks all hinge on power play—that is, the erotic and voluntary exchange of power. BDSM is all about one party exerting dominance over the other in a mutually consensual, pre-agreed-upon and satisfying encounter. This kink is for you if you fantasize about letting your partner have their way with you, or if you derive pleasure from the idea of “making” your partner service and please you.67
Sadism and masochism come under the BDSM umbrella. These kinks are all about your relationship to pain. A sadist derives pleasure from inflicting pain on a sexual partner, and a masochist derives pleasure from receiving it. What do you fantasize about when you masturbate? If your fantasies tend to involve the exchange of pain, perhaps you might want to let your inner sadist or masochist out with an equally game partner?
Having a bondage or ropes kink is one of the most well-known kinks out there. This one’s for you if you enjoy the idea of restricting your partner or being restricted. Maybe it makes you feel safe and taken care of? Or desired and subjugated? Or powerful and in control? Exploring this kink necessitates a safe word so that you can easily end the scene if it becomes too much. Have scissors on hand as well so that ropes can be simply and quickly removed.
This kink is marked by an interest in wearing pantyhose or having a partner wear hosiery while engaging in sexual activity. If you find that you often ask your partner to wear hosiery, or you yourself feel a strong urge to wear them during sex and experience more pleasure when wearing or seeing hosiery, you may have a pantyhose fetish or kink. Explore by buying hosiery, especially kinds made for having sex (i.e., crotchless), advises Zrenchik.
A voyeurism kink centers on being turned on by watching other people having sex. You might figure out that this is your kink by being particularly turned on by seeing yourself have sex in a mirror. In order to explore this kink more, make sure that you engage in a consensual situation such as at a sex club or sex party.
Exhibitionism is all about getting turned on by being observed. “If you ever fantasize about having sex, masturbating, or getting naked in front of an audience or want someone to watch you, then you might find this kink enjoyable,” says Moore. You might wish to have sex in settings such as sex clubs, or perhaps you just want to leave the curtains open while you have sex in your bedroom. This kink can be a lot of fun, but make sure that what you’re doing won’t get you arrested for indecent exposure!
This kink is defined by taking on different personas during sex and experiencing intensified pleasure from stepping outside of yourself. For instance, maybe you and your partner play a librarian and a student, or a delivery worker and a housewife. Are you usually shy but really let go and come harder when you don’t have to be yourself? Maybe roleplay is your kink.
Dirty talk is exactly what it sounds like: using suggestive or explicit language during sex in order to heighten sensation and excitement. This might be your kink if you’re generally verbose and enjoy using words to feel powerful during sex. You’ll know if this is your kink or not if you reach orgasm quicker when talking or being talked to, says Zrenchik.
“Also known as piss play, golden showers, or watersports, this kink is for folks who are sexually aroused by urination—either giving or receiving,” explains Moore. You can ease into piss play by starting in the shower and seeing how it feels. If you like it, you can invest in some waterproof blankets and get into it! This kink may be more likely to appeal to you if you’re also interested in domination or submission.
Some people might have a nipple kink, either because they themselves have very sensitive nipples and love to have them played with or because they are drawn to their partner’s nipples. People who in general find themselves drawn to breasts might find they have a nipple kink. Tweak, lick, and bite your partner’s nipples or invite them to do so to yours in order to discover if this is the kink for you. And remember, nipple play is for everyone, not just women. (Yes, male nipple play is a thing!)
A humiliation kink is about being put in your place by a partner. Someone with a humiliation kink might, for example, get off on being told that their penis is too small or that they’re pathetic or a slut. Humiliation kinks can also be enacted through different kinds of power play such as bootlicking or facials. It’s all about the meaning that the people ascribe to certain acts. Often this kink is theorized to be found in people who live in “high-respect, high-power” positions by day and who want to explore the opposite position, says Zrenchik.
A cuckolding kink tends to be more common among men, but people of any gender might enjoy this dynamic. Cuckolding is about being turned on by your partner having sex with someone else, either in front of you or away from you and relaying details at a later date. A cuckold is aroused by the idea of sharing their partner and also by the implied humiliation in “not being able to wholly satisfy” them.
13. Female-led relationships
Female-led relationships (FLR) is all about women on top. People with an FLR kink are turned on by giving the woman in a heterosexual relationship the bulk of the sexual control. This could look like sex centering on her pleasure or her deciding when and how sex should be had. You might have an FLR kink if you’re a man who tends toward submission in many areas of life, or if you’re a woman who likes the idea of subverting traditional female gender roles.
Financial domination, aka FinDom, is often a fetish but can also be a kink. It involves giving over total control of one’s finances to someone else or being kept on a strict budget or being ordered to purchase certain things. This kink is for you if the idea of giving over so much control in such an important part of life turns you on. You can explore it by beginning with a trusted partner and introducing a financial element into your sex life. For instance, one could say that 10% of your monthly income must be spent on sexy presents for your partner and go from there.
Auralism is just the word for having a sound kink, i.e. being turned on by hearing things. For example, you might be extra aroused by hearing the sound of your partner hit against you as you have sex, or the sound of their moans or how wet they are. You can explore this kink by trying to dampen out other senses, by using a blindfold for instance, so you can focus on the noises. If you’ve ever gotten tingly listening to ASMR or the sound effects in audio erotica, this might be your kink.
“This kink is a specific type of roleplay where one or two consenting adults take on roles or ages other than their own,” says Moore. This could be your kink if you’ve ever gotten a flutter from being called baby, little boy/girl, Mummy, or Daddy in bed. Age play can range from using different names to literally dressing up like a baby; it all depends on what you feel comfortable with and turned on by.
This kink is common among people who are generally interested in BDSM. It’s exactly what it says on the tin: letting your partner control the timing of your orgasm. This is often achieved through the use of bondage. The dominant partner restrains the submissive partner and stimulates them to the brink of orgasm—only letting them come when/if the dominant partner wants to. You might be into this kink if you’re interested in submitting your pleasure to someone else or if you love giving or getting a ruined orgasm.
Impact play is just the fancy name for any activity like spanking, paddling, or caning.
Being hit in a consensual erotic context releases endorphins, which can give participants a real rush, says licensed therapist Ashera DeRosa, LMFT. DeRosa recommends “exploring spanking followed by caresses as a really fun way to explore the sense of touch.” This kink speaks to people who like to experiment with power and sensation.
19. Consensual nonconsent
Consensual nonconsent is a kink in which someone is turned on by the idea of being “taken” by their partner while they pretend to say no. Sometimes referred to as a “rape fantasy,” this kink is always pre-agreed-on and must be carefully negotiated by all parties involved. “There is evidence that people who have experienced sexual assault can find this type of scene healing because they get to have some control over it, but there are many people who have not experienced sexual trauma who enjoy it as well,” says sex coach Leah Carey.
Having a gag kink can mean that you’re turned on by wearing or making your partner wear a gag of some kind. Ball-gags or silicone bits are common toys to use for this. This kink speaks to people who “love the feeling of being at someone’s mercy and not being able to speak,” says Carey. It’s important when exploring this kink that the person who is gagged can still communicate. Carey suggests that they can hold a little bell in their hand or drop a ball for attention if they need the play to stop.
Someone with a praise kink is aroused by compliments, praise, and encouragement—for instance, being told “You’re doing such a good job, taking my cock” or “You’re so beautiful when you…” While most people like to receive compliments, someone with a praise kink will be really sent over the edge by receiving them in a sexual setting. People who are a little unsure of themselves or who struggle with attachment issues may be particularly into this kink.
A degradation kink can be considered the opposite of a praise kink. A person with this kink is turned on by being denigrated and degraded by their partner either through words or through actions (i.e., being spit on). This kink might do something for you if you lean toward being submissive and like your partner to take control and tell you what to do in a sexual situation.
Blood play is all about being aroused by blood, either by having your own brought to the surface or drawing your partner’s blood, says Lori Lawrenz, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist with a specialization in sexual health. A blood kink might speak to people who are turned on by vampires or those who enjoy inflicting or receiving pain (sadists and masochists). Make sure to use well-sterilized objects to draw blood, have a safe word, and preferably take a class from an experienced domme who can show you how to indulge this kink safely.
24. Autoplushophilia (furries)
Known in everyday speech as a “furry kink,” autoplushophilia “involves dressing up in animal costumes and engaging in sexual play,” explains Lawrenz. A furry is someone who is turned on by imagining themselves and others as anthropomorphic animals. “As a sexual practice, this is often a very fun way to connect with your partner. If you like to dress up or have a huge stuffed animal collection—this kink may be for you,” says Lawrenz.
This kink isn’t anything to do with motherhood; instead, it’s about mummies in the ancient Egyptian sense. People with a mummification kink get turned on by wrapping their partners tightly in Saran wrap, or being tightly wrapped themselves, says Lawrenz. After being wrapped up, pictures are sometimes taken for gratification at a later date. Make sure to leave air holes around the nose and mouth, warns Lawrenz. This kink is for you if you’re into restraint and control (and ancient history!).
Things to keep in mind when exploring kinks.
Whenever you play around with kinks, especially those that have a BDSM element, it’s very important to engage in aftercare. “A major rush of endorphins can feel euphoric, but once that ends, many people report feeling a ‘drop.’ Having a plan to cuddle, have food and water, and/or watch a show that feels familiar and comforting afterward can help round out the experience and feel more connective,” explains DeRosa.
She also recommends reaching out to a kink-friendly therapist or sexuality professional for help in navigating your desires in a healthy and pleasurable way.
Above all, it’s most important to keep the lines of communication open with partners when it comes to kinky sex. There is room for things to go wrong if all parties aren’t entirely unashamed and honest with each other.
