I’ve asked tens of thousands of couples that question during my free live Passion Masterclass and here is what they say
“I miss the butterflies, the excitement I felt when the phone rang, the text buzzed or they rang the doorbell!”
“I miss the effort we made to romance each other – we dressed up, we planned dates, we really tried to make sure the other one felt special”
“I miss the spark and attraction! The aching to know what that first kiss would feel like”
“I miss how fascinated we were with each other. We could talk for hours, hanging on each other’s words. There was a whole new world to discover together”
“I miss how easy it was. We were much more accepting of each other – our quirks and our differences were interesting – not annoying!”
“I miss the sex. We had so much natural passion and desire – we couldn’t keep our hands off each other”
“I miss feeling like I was the most important thing in their world, their number one priority. I felt so attractive and adored”
No doubt the list of the things YOU miss about falling in love is very similar.
Taken all together, I call these dynamic, exciting, focused feelings of attraction, interest and desire for your partner Thrill.
Fast forward a few years or decades… and let me ask you this.
How would you rate the Thrill in your relationship these days?
When I survey the couples who attend my Masterclass, only 8 percent of them say they still have those “falling in love” feelings about their partner.
Ouch.This is a discouraging finding, to say the least.
So what can you do to get the Thrill back?
As you will hear in this video, Thrill does not stand alone. Thrill is the second side of my model of relationship – the Passion Triangle. In order to fall in love again, you need to strengthen all three sides of the Passion Triangle – and make a lot more effort to be a great mate.
So if you no longer feel excited about, attracted to, or adored by your partner, it’s time to deliberately practice the skills you had when you were new together. And most importantly, rather than focusing on what you want your partner to do for you, improve how well YOU are doing at lighting your partner up.
3 Tips to Help you Fall Back in Love
Recognize the Problem – You’re in Marriage Incorporated
The very first step to changing any pattern is to recognize that you have a problem. So get honest with yourself. Are you running your relationship like a business? The majority of long term couples – you’ve been together more than a handful of years – admit they are stuck in the rut of what I call Marriage Inc. or Relationship Inc. That’s where you are running the “business of us”. You’re busy focusing on careers, paying the mortgage and raising kids. And you may be doing an excellent job. But where are the two of YOU in all this? I want you to make a vow to invest time and effort in your relationship as a couple. Make it a priority to revisit and rekindle the thrill of dating at each and every stage of your long term relationship journey.
You Can’t Go Backward – Create Novelty Now
Falling in love is easy – but staying in love takes mindfulness. In the beginning, everything is new, exciting, and compelling. When you were dating, it took very little effort to nurture Thrill. You naturally thought about your sweetheart almost all the time, planned surprises, and wanted to kiss them slowly and deeply. Quite simply, novelty is an excellent aphrodisiac. The bad news? You can’t go back to the beginning. But you CAN work to create novelty now. You need to make dating your mate a priority, put in the effort – start by getting off the couch! – and choose to see your partner with fresh eyes. After all, your beloved is not boring – you have become bored. A new person would find your mate fascinating – just like you did in the beginning.
Design Adventures that Increase Attraction and Connection
I am writing this the day after returning from a very special birthday trip I planned for my husband. We took a ten-hour ferry off the northern tip of Vancouver Island up to a remote wilderness eco lodge where we floated down the river and watched Grizzlies fishing for spawning salmon, had our first helicopter ride to a glacier lake, and rode Icelandic horses through the old growth forest. Free from all the busyness and demands of daily life, we laughed, we made love, and we felt more connected than we had in months. Why? Because we created novelty and that, in turn, helped us recreate the falling in love phenomena. According to research, when we do something exciting with our partner we find them more attractive. So I challenge you to plan a new, interesting and adventurous date or getaway. By putting yourselves in a new environment – be that an epic wilderness trip or a visit to that new wine bar on the corner – you can create a sense of novelty, joy and interest not just in the Grizzly bears, but in each other.
The majority of us in long term relationships may believe that Marriage Inc is normal. Well, it is statistically normal, in that most of us are stuck in the rut of running our lives and forgetting to make time to live and to love. Let me reassure you, the Thrill CAN last forever, it just needs a little help. Make your relationship feel new by treating your partner like the incredible, fascinating person they are, even after all these years. And fall in love again, with the one you are already with.
If you enjoyed this content, check out Dr. Cheryl’s live free couples workshop on the Three Keys to Passion.
