We all want our kids to have more than we had growing up. And with access to social media they can see what other kids appear to have which continues to feed the cycle of wanting more to keep up with their peers. But are we helping or hurting our kids by giving them more than we had?
“America’s newly identified at-risk group is preteens and teens from affluent, well-educated families. In spite of their economic and social advantages, they experience among the highest rates of depression, substance abuse, anxiety disorders, somatic complaints, and unhappiness of any group of children in the country.”
The Warning Signs…
Experts warn that overly-indulged children can develop a toxic combination of traits:
Entitlement – Believing they deserve special treatment simply for existing. ‘The rules don’t apply to me.’
Lack of Motivation and Purpose – With every need met, there’s no drive to achieve independently. ‘Why should I work for it?’
Disconnect from Reality – Oblivious to the everyday struggles of ordinary people. ‘It’s not my problem. They should just get a job.’
Inability to Cope – Having been shielded from adversity, minor setbacks feel catastrophic. ‘My life is ruined!’
Giving Up Easily- If they don’t experience success right away, they quit.
Teens from affluent, well-educated families may seem to have it all on the surface. But underneath there can exist profound unhappiness, anxiety, and substance abuse issues, encased in the bubble of privilege.
Raising Resilient, Grounded Teenagers
So how can parents avoid these dangers? Parenting researcher Dr. John Gottman emphasizes these key principles when it comes to parenting teens:
Validate Emotions Over Achievements
‘You don’t have to be perfect to be loved.’ Praise character and working hard over appearance and results.
Assign Meaningful Work
Instill a work ethic by assigning chores and encouraging a summer job.
Discover Purpose
Help them find a path to purpose-process with questions, stories of people living with purpose and start fanning the sparks you see.
Emotional Intelligence
Build their emotional intelligence through Emotion Coaching, a key parenting activity. It is a predictor of success.
Limit Setting for Teens
Learn how to set limits with teens while giving them a space to explore and make decisions on their own.
Make Sleep a Priority
Aim for 8-9 hours a night – this makes a huge difference for growing brains
Social Skills
Help you teen navigate peer relationships.
Encourage Community Service
Expose them to other ways of life and different communities. Cultivate empathy and gratitude. Help them open themselves up to those who are different from them.
Be Emotionally Present
Your attention and care mean more than any material possession. The most important resource is emotional and relational.
The paradox is that the privilege meant to give kids a head start in life can become anchors weighing them down. By keeping them grounded in core values like resilience, humility and compassion, parents can raise happy, balanced youth.
Gottman’s research highlights that emotional coaching, attunement, nurturing and providing guidance are vital for all children, regardless of socioeconomic status. Privilege devoid of these elements risks producing youth who are emotionally adrift despite material abundance. Gottman’s parenting tools provide a blueprint for raising grounded, resilient individuals prepared for life’s tests. Research also shows that relational and emotional wealth is always more precious for the child than material wealth.
