We all have the experience of vulnerability at times and some of us are more comfortable with it than others.
I find myself falling into it at times, but not intentionally choosing it.
I have been reflecting on this and pondering, “What about living my life with my skin peeled off like a juicy green grape with no sour outer casing?” That definitely sounds more delicious, but also terrifying.
Terrifying! Shall I say it again — terrifying!
I love having it all together. I love being on top of things. I love having things all figured out. I love having my words sound articulate and eloquent. I love being smart. I love the strength of my intellect. I love the strength of my personal mind. It has served me so well over the years — so well.
My friend the intellect is not friends with vulnerability. They are not good bedfellows. My intellect might enjoy a few one-night stands with random vulnerabilities, but there is no way in hell it wants to set up house with them. F**k that s**t for a game of soldiers. That is some weird Angus saying that I like the sound of, but have no idea what it really means.
And…
When I listen to my heart. When I listen to my inner promptings. When I listen to what I am being called to, I hear vulnerability whispering my name.
She says, “Let go of the intellect. Let go of the illusion of having it all together. Let go!”
These are some words of wisdom from one of my mentors:
“Breathe
Explore letting go into the flow.
Step into the feminine, the flow, the knowing. This is more powerful than control.”
What if I stop using my intellect as my safety blanket?
Angus and I don’t fight in the way we used to, but earlier in our relationship, I would use my intellect to run circles around him when he was angry. It was my defense mechanism. I was unkind, but I was in survival mode. I needed to feel superior because I couldn’t stand the pain of feeling unloved and unlovable.
That is what my intellect tries to protect me from. The fear that if I let my guard down, I will have to face my unlovability. The ugliness of who I see is too much for me to bear so I keep myself at arm’s length through my intellect. My busy mind creates the smokescreen that keeps me distracted and superficial.
But I have found loopholes. Here I am being vulnerable. Here I sit, baring myself so I can see my Self. Do I have the strength of heart to look? It is only hard through my lens of judgment. And that lens is so ingrained. Often, I don’t even know what I am judging anymore. It is that unconscious. I judge myself as lacking in ways I don’t even know. Ugly in ways I can’t even see. Worthless in ways I can’t imagine.
And…
I have come a long way. This is after experiencing an incredible amount of inner freedom. I am grateful for that, and I am not seeking. Just exploring my current growing edge.
There is nothing to do. Nothing to fix. Nowhere to go.
I am simply being with the unfolding of my experience as it reveals to me who I am beyond that ever-changing expression of my thoughts and feelings. And sometimes there is painful peeling away to be done as part of that waking up. Sometimes I hang on for dear life to what is familiar out of fear of the unknown. Sometimes I want to cry like a baby, but instead, stifle the wails so they don’t even penetrate the surface of my awareness. Sometimes I just hang on to survive.
That love that is who we are is so infinite it is terrifying because it dissolves the illusion of the separate self that is both so comfortable in its familiarity, but also so painfully claustrophobic.
Today I will see what dominates. Control or letting go. It isn’t a battle. I am curious to see how vulnerability is going to be my new bedfellow in a long-term committed relationship rather than just a fling. I think Angus will be open to polyamory in this form. In fact, I think he fell in love with my vulnerability a long time ago. I am just catching up.
This article was published previously on www.therewilders.org. Go to the free resources to see more of Rohini’s articles.
