Few words set off emotional panic alarms on all sides of the gender spectrum than “We need to talk.”
In reality, most couples DO need to talk long before “The Talk,” and bonding questions for couples are a great way to start a dialogue.
A robust and evolving communication strategy can lead you to a healthier place as you blend your lives together throughout various phases of a relationship.
What Are Deep Conversations for Couples?
Deep couple-question activities allow you to speak openly and freely about your expectations and desires.
It goes far beyond “How was your day?” and into your partner’s psyche.
You will truly get to know the person on a level that isn’t going to happen on date nights and through text messages.
The things that we find endearing at the start of a relationship can end up being the things that drive you crazy.
That wicked sense of humor might reveal itself as a defense mechanism, and you’re fed up with the jokes.
Ground Rules During Bonding Questions for Couples
Let’s set a few commandments before you engage in this activity because some of the questions might trigger your defenses.
Thou shall not judge any answer given by your significant other.
Thou shall not weaponize or use any answer against the other party at any time in the relationship.
Thou shall not get your feelings hurt during deep couple-question conversations.
Thou shall use welcoming and compassionate body language during this process.
Thou shall not share any deep couple question answers with friends or family.
121 Deep Questions For Couples To Build Intimacy
When coming up with your list of deep questions to ask your spouse, avoid pitfalls – no matter how much you want that answer.
Things like, “Are you happier with me than you were with your ex-fiance? Am I better in bed?” will simply work against the end goals.
As much as many women love Carrie Bradshaw from Sex & The City, remember how she always seemed shocked by relationship revelations? Big has been married before.
BOOM! Aleksander has a daughter. BOOM! Aiden talks too much. BOOM!
Let’s go through some ways to avoid being Carrie’d away by surprises in a relationship and forming a long-lasting bond.
Deep Couple Questions about Love
1. What is one way you express “I Love You” without saying it?
2. Do you believe in soulmates? Why or why not?
3. Is it important to you that we say or text “I Love You” often? How often?
4. What moment marked the first time you knew you loved me?
5. Do you think love is enough to overcome any challenge we might face?
6. If we have children, should the love of the children or the spouse take top priority?
7. Can you still love me even when you don’t like me, such as during an argument?
8. Can love survive infidelity?
9. Is cheating ever acceptable?
10. Is chatting with another person on an intimate level considered cheating?
11. How would you like me to approach you if I feel our love connection is waning?
12. What dealbreakers would we have throughout the life span of our relationship?
13. Do you feel we are sexually intimate enough?
14. Is there anything I can do to make you feel more intimately satisfied?
15. Is there such a thing as having too much sex?
16. What sexual boundaries do you have?
17. Would you want to introduce toys into our sex life?
18. How often do you feel it’s appropriate to talk to our close friends about our sex lives?
19. If we found out without planning it that we were having a child right now, what is your gut reaction?
20. Do you see me differently as a sexual woman now that I am a mother?
Deep Couple Questions about Trust
21. Do you think we should share each other’s passwords and PINs? Why or why not?
22. Would it be a violation of trust if I looked through your phone while you were in the shower?
23. If I wanted you to unfriend someone because I felt jealous or that they had ulterior motives, would you?
24. Do you prefer to share bank accounts or have separate accounts?
25. What spending limits should we set before we need to talk to each other about the purchase?
26. Is there anyone in my life that makes you feel insecure?
27. Was there ever a time you questioned if you could trust me?
28. When I go out of town or travel for work, do you trust that I will always be faithful?
29. What do I do that annoys you, but you haven’t told me?
30. If I die first, would you want to get re-married? What assets of ours would remain ours, and what would you share?
31. When there’s bad news to share, how would you like me to communicate that to you?
32. What is your biggest concern about our relationship, and what steps can we take to overcome that?
33. Do you think your parents are good role models for a good relationship?
34. Tell me about another couple we both know you consider “relationship goals.”
35. Would you be okay if I told you I needed space in the relationship?
36. Are there times you need space in the relationship?
37. If I am upset, do you think you should just listen or try to fix the situation?
38. How can I better help you when you get upset?
39. Are there any chats in your text messages or social accounts right now that you wouldn’t want me to see?
40. If I told you something was happening to a friend that I couldn’t discuss with you, would you feel betrayed?
Deep Couple Questions about Spirituality
41. Do you believe in God, and if so, do you identify with a particular religion?
42. Will we include prayer before our meals?
43. Will we allow our children to choose their own religion or encourage them to follow ours?
44. Do you believe in signs from angels? When have you experienced this?
45. What role do you think God plays in our relationship?
46. Do you believe God punishes people for their mistakes?
47. How much money will we donate to charities or the church each year?
48. What type of clothing do you feel is appropriate to wear to church or a religious event?
49. Should our children be baptized?
50. Do you want our family to take part in confession?
51. What would you consider the biggest sin of your life?
52. Do you believe sins are always forgiven?
53. What have I done that you found hard to forgive and what helped you get over the reservations?
54. How important is it in our relationship that we say “Sorry” when we’ve done something wrong?
55. Do you feel that I forgive you after our fights or hold onto it too long?
56. Are there any aspects of spirituality you’d like to explore together?
57. Do you believe in heaven and hell?
58. Explain how I can better support your spiritual needs in our day-to-day life.
59. If I wanted to change religions, how challenging would that be for you?
60. Is everything meant to be? Or do we seal our own fate?
Deep Couple Questions about Emotional Intimacy
61. Are there any people from my past you would feel uncomfortable with me meeting for lunch?
62. How will I know when you are jealous?
63. When you think of this relationship in five years, what do you envision?
64. How will I know when you are pulling away from me?
65. If you were unhappy with the relationship, how long do you feel is appropriate to fix it?
66. Do these questions make you feel uncomfortable?
67. What commitment can we make in our busy lives to make time for “us”?
68. When we have children, how often should we have “alone time”?
69. If your mother disagrees with my parenting style, what advice do you give me to calm the tension?
70. If I think you should do more as a parent, what is the best way to start that conversation?
71. What else is intimate aside from sexual intercourse, in your opinion?
72. Would you rather have intercourse once a week for the rest of your life or have oral sex five times a week?
73. Based on your experience with grief, what’s the best way I can support you when you are grieving?
74. Do you think I fight fair? How can I better resolve the conflict we do have?
75. Would you be willing to go to counseling should the need ever arise? How do you feel about counseling in general?
76. Do you think taking medication like Xanax or Zoloft is a red flag?
77. What types of jokes are not appropriate?
78. If you witnessed some kind of bias based on gender identity, race, or disability, how would you handle it?
79. To what extent do you feel a significant other should support a partner who gets in trouble with the law?
80. Are there any addiction triggers in your life?
Random Deep Couple Questions
81. Is it ever appropriate to raise your voice in anger?
82. Have I ever made you feel unsafe during an argument?
83. Is it appropriate to make someone sleep on the couch or leave home during an argument?
84. Which parent is your favorite and why?
85. Which one of my parents is your favorite and why?
86. If you are arguing with your parents, do you want me to defend you or keep quiet?
87. If we are watching a television show together, and I watch a few episodes ahead, would you be upset?
88. Is there any part of our relationship that you consider sacred between us and should never be discussed with other loved ones?
89. Do you believe that if I am mad at someone, you have to be mad at them too?
90. How should we approach a day when we both want to do different things?
91. What is the biggest compliment you’ve given about me to someone else? Biggest complaint?
92. How big of a deal are birthdays? What makes you feel loved on your birthday?
93. Is Valentine’s Day a holiday we want to celebrate or ignore?
94. Do you feel we should have holiday meals at our home or go to other people’s homes?
95. Will we teach our kids about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny?
96. Would you be happy or embarrassed if I just showed up at your work to say hello?
97. What expectations and limits do we want on public displays of affection?
98. Do you have any physical or emotional trauma I should know about to be a better partner for you?
99. Is using marijuana okay? What about dabbling in illegal drugs? What experiences do you have with any of them?
100. What needs am I meeting, and what needs of yours am I missing?
101. What would you say if I wanted to have sex right here and now?
In the book, Chapman describes five ways couples typically prefer to show and receive love:
Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Physical touch
As you ask this question of each other, discuss your own love language and how you would like your partner to offer love to you through your primary and secondary love language.
103. What could I say or do that feels unloving to you?
There are apparent words and actions that you both know are unloving, such as unkindness, criticism, dishonesty, and indifference.
But sometimes, we say or do things unknowingly that cause hurt and anger in the other person.
We might trigger old wounds from the past or cross a boundary we were unaware of. What you assume is innocent teasing might feel like a real sting to your spouse.
Your need to spend time alone might feel like abandonment to the other person.
Share with each other what your partner might do now or in the future to make you feel unloved.
104. How can we revive our love and intimacy as a couple when things get boring or distant?
Boredom and disconnection can often creep up on a couple. You wake up one day, and it feels like the spark is dimming, and the relationship is flatlining.
Most couples’ lives are busy with work, children, and other distractions. You begin to spend less time together, communicate less often, and harbor frustrations and resentments that stifle intimacy.
Maybe you feel some of this now with your lover. But even if you don’t, you need to insulate your relationship from the creeping poison of apathy.
Discuss together any signs of distance or boredom developing in your relationship. Brainstorm ways the two of you can reconnect should this happen.
105. What makes you feel respected in our relationship?
Respect is “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements,” according to the Oxford Dictionary.
When the other person shows you respect, you feel appreciated and acknowledged. You know your essential worthiness is recognized.
All of us desire to be respected by the most important person in our lives — the person whose good opinion and high regard are so critical to us.
However, the feeling of being respected in your relationship is different for every individual.
What makes you feel respected might not be the same as what your partner needs to feel respected. Discuss your mutual needs related to respect and how you can show each other the kind of respect you need.
106. How should I communicate a problem or concern to you?
Talking about conflict or difficult topics isn’t fun, but these challenging conversations are inevitable in your relationship.
Whether the problem has something to do with a complaint about your spouse or it’s a challenge you must face together, these uncomfortable conversations can stir up a whirlwind of negative emotions.
When overwhelmed with these emotions, it’s easy to get defensive or angry with the other person. But this is never a productive way to deal with an already painful situation.
Talk about how each of you tends to react when discussing difficult information. How can your lover present the information so you can respond with a clear head and kind words?
107. Am I listening to you in a way that makes you feel completely heard?
Really listening to someone requires much more than simply hearing words.
Active listening is the kind of listening couples should practice as much as possible.
This kind of empathic listening involves giving your full attention without allowing distractions or interruptions.
To make your lover feel heard, you can reflect to them what you have heard them say and how you think they feel.
Ask each other if you feel heard and understood by the other. Where do you both need to improve your listening skills?
What changes do you need to make to give the other person what they need related to feeling heard?
108. What are your deepest emotional needs?
Every one of us has unique emotional needs.
We want to feel loved and to offer love to others. We want to have a sense of purpose, feel self-esteem, and express creativity. We desire respect and honesty from others.
These are some common needs, but each individual has emotional needs that are unique to them.
In a loving, intimate relationship, both recognize and support the other person’s emotional needs. Although you can’t meet all of your partner’s needs, each person strives to respond to the other person’s needs in a kind and loving way.
You can find a list of needs here to help you define your own. Share your primary emotional needs with your spouse and how they can help you get those needs met.
109. What words should I never say to you, even in playfulness?
Some words cross the line for acceptable language in your mind. We all have our own boundaries for what that line might be.
Some playful name-calling might be perfectly acceptable to you, but other names are deeply wounding.
There might be certain words you find so demeaning that you simply don’t want to hear them, even in jest—and never in anger.
Saying words like, “I hate you” or “Maybe we should divorce,” even in the heat of anger, might be off-limits for both of you to preserve the trust and closeness of your connection.
There might be certain words you find so demeaning that you simply don’t want to hear them, even in jest—and never in anger.
110. Is there anything about our sex life that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable?
Openly discussing differences in sexual desires or needs can be challenging. This is particularly true if your sex drives are different or if you’re uncomfortable with something your lover is doing or saying during sex.
If you aren’t sexually compatible, it impacts the emotional intimacy in your relationship and your sexual intimacy.
Only by opening up and discussing your sexual desires and needs can you find a middle ground that feels acceptable and comfortable to each other.
Create a safe, loving, caring space between the two of you to talk about your feelings related to your sex life.
You both might need to compromise at times to meet your partner’s needs. Or you might find that you both desire the same thing but haven’t communicated it to one another.
Allow your love for each other to be the guiding force as you seek to create a satisfying and comfortable sex life.
111. What activities can we share as a couple that will bring us closer?
Maybe you don’t share all the same interests, but you can develop mutual interests that bring you even closer as a couple.
Many psychologists suggest reading together, even reading different books, can bring you closer together.
But any interesting and fun activity that involves cooperation and shared experience will tighten your bond.
Fun and play between the two of you can be a cure for boredom and disconnection. Discuss some mutual interests or new activities you can try together. Here are ideas for summer and winter fun activities.
112. What should we do if one of us changes our spiritual or religious views?
If you’ve been together as a couple for a while, you’ve likely discussed your views on religion. Hopefully, you are in sync about your views or at least respect one another’s spiritual practices and beliefs.
However, people can change their beliefs and practices over time. One of you might become more or less religious or adopt beliefs contrary to your partner’s.
113. What should we do if one or both of us gets really angry during a conflict?
Conflict is a normal and positive part of any relationship. It allows you to express your views and work together to find solutions and reach a compromise.
But too often, conflict turns to anger and resentment. Anger can boil over into criticism, defensiveness, and hurtful behaviors.
In the heat of the moment, you lose the ability to work out your conflict healthily and productively.
What should you do as a couple if anger arises during a conflict? How can you prevent it from undermining your ability to find solutions?
114. How much time should we spend with our parents and extended family?
Both of you have parents and extended family that require some of your time and attention. But how much time and attention?
You may love spending time with your own family but find your in-laws tedious or unpleasant. One of you might enjoy spending holidays with extended family while the other prefers to spend them with your partner and kids.
Discuss how much time each of you wants to spend with extended family and how to reach a compromise if your wishes differ.
115. What are some ways that we can grow together as a couple?
For your relationship to thrive and evolve as long as you are together, you must continue to work on it and find ways to grow and change together.
How can you continue to nurture your relationship and adapt to the inevitable changes that occur over time?
116. What childhood wounds can I help you heal, and how?
We all have pain and sometimes even trauma from our childhoods that impact how we relate to each other.
Childhood wounds can be triggered by certain behaviors, words, and attitudes of your partner, and they may have no idea why you react to them.
Being open and vulnerable with each other about past wounds and trauma and asking for the kind of support and understanding you need fosters a deeper bond between you.
You both must feel safe with each other and show compassion and empathy for each other’s pain.
117. What are the “hot button” issues or topics that trigger anger, pain, or resentment in you?
Beyond our childhood wounds, we all have “hot button” issues that can make us react. Sometimes we don’t realize that these issues are triggering us until our partner points out our reactions.
Take some time to think about the situations with your partner that triggered anger or pain. Try to figure out the root cause and explain it to them.
What can you both do to help heal the issue and avoid the triggering topic?
118. How can I best support you when you’re feeling sad, worried, or depressed?
We all have days or weeks when we don’t feel our best mentally and emotionally. There may be an obvious reason for these feelings, but sometimes we don’t know exactly why we feel off.
What do you most need from the other person when you are feeling this way? What might your partner say or do that can make you feel worse?
119. What are your dreams and goals for yourself in the next ten years?
Supporting your relationship includes helping with one another’s personal goals and dreams.
Even if your dreams seem far-fetched or too disruptive to your life right now, share them with your partner. Talk together about these ideas and brainstorm ways to make them happen.
Ask one another how you can best support the other’s goals in a way that enhances your relationship.
120. What area do you think our relationship needs the most improvement, and why?
Even the best marriages and relationships have areas that need improvement. With every positive change, your intimacy and bond will grow stronger, and you’ll be a happier couple.
Discuss the areas you both think need some attention and the action steps you can take to address these issues.
121. Do you think we prioritize our relationship over everything else (kids, work, money, extended family, hobbies, etc.)? If not, how can we improve this?
Your love relationship should be the centerpiece of your life. Your spouse or partner should be number one, above all other people and responsibilities.
The health of your relationship impacts every other area of your life, and if you aren’t prioritizing it, you are compromising your happiness, productivity, and peace of mind.
What are you putting ahead of your marriage or relationship? What needs to change, and how can you implement change?
Final Thoughts
When you read a list of deep questions to ask your partner, you should know them well enough to ask questions that generate good conversation but don’t cause them to shut down.
It can’t all be done in one night or weekend away from the kids.
You don’t even have to schedule it. It might be a conversation while washing dishes or topics during a road trip. Ultimately, you’ll have a newer perspective and possibly even fall deeper in love.
