Our editors have independently chosen the products listed on this page. If you purchase something mentioned in this article, we may earn a small commission.
September 22, 2021 — 19:04 PM
If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.
Controlling behavior isn’t always physical aggression and outright demands. In fact, if someone doesn’t know what to watch out for, it’s possible they won’t even realize they’re being controlled. Here’s why some people are controlling, behaviors to look out for, and how to deal with any controlling people in your life.
What does it mean to be controlling?
A controlling person is someone who attempts to maintain control, authority, and/or decision-making power over other people and situations. Controlling behavior can include everything from directly telling someone what they can or cannot do to more discreet methods like guilt-tripping, gaslighting, possessiveness. Oftentimes the wants and needs of the person being controlled are completely dismissed or even disrespected.
Anyone can have controlling tendencies and behaviors, including friends, family members, co-workers, and romantic partners. A person doesn’t necessarily need to be a “bad” person to have controlling tendencies.
Where this behavior comes from.
Great relationships start with great sleep.*
Controlling another person comes down to not feeling secure enough in yourself so you have to exercise your control over another person.
As somatic psychologist and author of Reclaiming Pleasure, Holly Richmond, Ph.D., tells mbg, controlling behavior often looks like insecure anxious attachment. For example, “If you’re not with me, I can’t soothe myself, so I have to know where you are every second.”
In other words, controlling behavior is a product of anxiety and fear of the unknown, Richmond explains. “Sometimes it can be fear of what’s going to happen, and there’s this bad movie playing in our head—but sometimes it’s the not knowing.”
For someone who has “control issues” or a fear of the unknown, they often don’t trust themselves or feel secure enough to meet any challenge or tolerate an unknown situation. So, in order to regain some sense of security, they exercise their will in any way they can.
Common examples of controlling behavior:
Simply put, controlling behavior can look very basically like controlling all the decision-making in the relationship (romantic or non). Richmond says this can include everything from trying to decide where the other person can travel, where they go out to eat, what to order, or who their friends are.
2. Disrespecting privacy and boundaries
Whether a parent, a friend, or a partner, disrespecting someone else’s boundaries and privacy is controlling behavior, Richmond says. You see it in parents who take the doors off their child’s room, for example, or a partner who repeatedly denies your need for space and alone time.
There’s nothing wrong with checking in with someone while they’re out from time to time, but as Richmond notes, if it’s incessant or seems increasingly agitated, that’s a sign they’re coming from a controlling place. For example, she says, if you’re out to dinner with your friends and your partner keeps texting “Where are you? Who are you with? Send me a picture so I can see where you are,” that’s definitely controlling.
4. Picking unnecessary fights
Picking fights—seemingly out of nowhere—can also be a control tactic because to a controlling person, “negative attention is better than no attention,” Richmond says. This is especially true if they pick fights while you’re out without them.
“It’s because of their abandonment issues and insecure attachment,” she adds. “This fear that you’ll choose someone else, and you being out in the world makes that more of a possibility than if you were home with them.”
Financial control is very real, and one of the quickest ways a controlling person can make someone dependent on them. Richmond says this can look like dictating what’s purchased, dictating a budget, and/or being overly critical about another person’s purchases.
If someone is actively seeking to isolate you from friends and family, that’s a surefire sign they want to control you, Richmond notes. Not only does this limit your support system, but it reinforces your dependence on the controlling person, similar to when they control spending. It comes down to limiting the resources you have so you have to rely on them.
Guilt-tripping can look like a lot of things, such as making you feel guilty for not having sex, for not spending enough time with them, or for wanting more alone time, Richmond says: “‘You don’t find me sexy anymore’ turns into ‘I guess you don’t love me’—which is sexual coercion.”
Over time, this can lead someone to doubt (or at least deprioritize) their own needs. And as therapist Mariel Buquè, Ph.D., previously told mbg, if the thought of sharing your true feelings makes you feel guilty, that’s a sign “there is control at the center of your relationship.”
8. Insecurity in the bedroom
Richmond says the insecurity that drives controlling behavior can cross over into the bedroom. One example, she says, can be if a partner doesn’t want to use sex toys as a couple. “Let’s say a female partner didn’t get off and grabs her vibrator,” she explains. “A controlling partner may feel threatened or diminished by that and say no sex toys in the bedroom.”
Gaslighting, or making someone question their own experience by denying or deflecting, is another way a controlling person will try to manipulate another. As therapist Aki Rosenberg, LMFT, previously told mbg, “Gaslighting at its core is always about self-preservation and the maintenance of power/control—namely, the power/control to construct a narrative that keeps the gaslighter in the ‘right’ and their partner in the ‘wrong.'”
10. Doing things only so you’re indebted to them
Another control tactic some people will use is doing nice things for others but only so those people are indebted to them, Richmond notes. This is common in one-sided friendships, where the friend only does things for their own gain, but it can certainly happen in romantic relationships, too. Once the good deed is done, this person may repeatedly bring it up, remind you that you “owe them,” and let it hang over your head.
Jealous behavior can range from harmless to extreme, but according to Richmond, when you approach the extreme end, that’s when things begin to get controlling. Perhaps your partner doesn’t like you hanging out with friends of a specific gender or posting pictures of yourself online.
This lack of trust triggers their insecurities and makes their need to control you even greater. Research has also shown excessive jealousy is often linked to narcissism—which brings us to our next point.
“Trying to grab control of everything is archetypal narcissist behavior,” licensed therapist Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D., LMFT, previously wrote for mbg. She explains that because narcissists are continually disappointed with the imperfect way life unfolds, they try to control it as much as possible. “They want and demand to be in control, and their sense of entitlement makes it seem logical to them that they should be in control—of everything,” she adds. (Check out our guide to spotting a narcissist for more information.)
As licensed therapist Weena Cullins, LMFT, previously explained to mbg, conditional love is a controlling behavior. For example, a controlling parent may withhold love as a control tactic. “Withholding love, affection, or approval when a child fails to meet their standard,” she says, is a sign of a controlling parent—but that same principle applies in relationships, too.
How to respond to a controlling person.
How you deal with a controlling person depends on the relationship dynamic. Here’s how to handle controlling behavior from a few of the most common perpetrators:
In a controlling relationship, the big question is whether to stay or leave. If you’ve realized you’re in a controlling relationship that’s abusive, reach out for help immediately. You can call, chat, or text this hotline for support.
If there isn’t abuse and you believe your partner is open to adjusting their behavior, Richmond says the first step is to open up a conversation about what’s going on. First, you’ll want to establish a time you can both sit down and talk about what’s been bothering you.
For example, she says, you could say something along the lines of When you text me constantly while I’m out with my friends, I feel like you don’t trust me. When I don’t feel trusted, I feel diminished and like you don’t think I can take care of myself. That really makes me feel like the underdog in this relationship, and like you have more power—and I don’t like feeling powerless.
Licensed therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT, adds that you can also use her AEO framework for structuring the conversation: Acknowledge the issue, explain the emotions, and then offer a solution or request, such as, What I’d really like is that when we’re out with our friends, there isn’t an expectation that we respond to each other super quickly. What do you think?
From there, how they respond will be telling. Do they take accountability and change their behavior? If not, and they continue to disrespect your boundaries, it’s probably best to walk away.
In the case of a controlling friend, Richmond says, many of the aforementioned principles apply: finding a time to talk and expressing your honest concerns. If they respond well and actually change their behavior, that’s a sign the relationship can be salvaged.
If not, you can create some space or choose to end the friendship entirely. As therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT, previously explained to mbg, “Ending the friendship may be as simple as no longer initiating contact or plans as frequently and allowing the connection to naturally fade.”
According to clinical psychologist Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D., if you know you’re dealing with a controlling parent, “the best way to deal with them is through the establishment of strong, firm, and consistent boundaries.” She adds that it can be scary, but it’s “exactly what the child needs to do in order to break free from this dysfunctional pattern.”
As Cullins adds, you can respectfully choose to make a different choice when a parent is being controlling, whether “declining a parent’s offer, or not interacting if it creates an uncomfortable situation for the child.” And of course, if setting those boundaries doesn’t work, Tsabary notes, “then it is important to create emotional space and distance in another way.”
(For more tips on dealing with controlling parents, check out our guide.)
When someone seeks to control you, it’s not coming from a place of love but, in fact, quite the opposite: fear. Controlling behavior and manipulation are toxic and don’t align with what open and honest communication is all about—which is necessary for a healthy relationship.
If you ever feel unsafe due to someone else’s behavior, trust your gut and remove yourself from the situation as quickly as possible.