Your misery is their gain if they can get you to back down and give them what they want.
On the other hand, what you want isn’t so much their misery as your freedom from it.
We support that.
What Do Narcissists Hate the Most?
Whether you’d describe the person who comes to mind for you as a “pathetic narcissist,” as a “monster,” or as something in between, it’s essential to know what triggers their worst, most telling behavior.
Let’s start by being honest about things narcissists hate:
How To Make a Narcissist Miserable With 13 Carefully-Considered Actions
Now that we’re clear on what makes a narcissist angry, let’s move on to the best ways to make them miserable when they’re up to their old tricks.
How do you protect yourself and stand up for your right to live the life you want?
1. Tell them, “No.”
You might as well be speaking a foreign language because the narcissist isn’t accustomed to hearing that word from someone they’ve claimed as their own. So, you may have to repeat the word—calmly but firmly—to ensure they hear you.
Even then, there’s no guarantee they’ll accept your answer as final. Be prepared for an attempt at arguing the point. And leave as quickly as possible to shut it down. Don’t let them trick you into trying to justify your answer.
Make the message clear: the “no” is not up for debate.
2. Refuse to accept blame for their words and actions.
If you allow them, the narcissist will blame their negative emotions on you. And if you’ve crossed them in some way, any bad things that happen are most likely your fault, too.
Call them out for this, and they’ll try to blame you for that, too. But their inability to accept responsibility doesn’t obligate you to accept their blame, nor does it make you responsible for the way they’re feeling.
Like you, they can choose how to behave—and how to react to others. If you don’t blame them for your choices, don’t take the blame for theirs.
3. Set boundaries and enforce them.
Narcissists hate other people’s boundaries because they don’t want anything standing in the way of their complete control over another person. Narcissists will, therefore, often take your setting boundaries and enforcing them as a slap in the face.
They might accuse you of overreacting or of “being a control freak” when they’re the ones getting worked up over their need to control you and your failure to cooperate with that.
Standing up for yourself is not overreacting.
4. Implement real consequences for violating those boundaries.
Decide on real consequences for those who violate your personal boundaries. And don’t let the narcissist get away with it — even if they swear up and down they simply “forgot.”
No one who loves and respects you will forget your boundaries. Because, with someone who loves you, your trust matters more than what you can do for them. With the narcissist, your trust takes a back seat to their control over you.
Spell out the consequences. Then, at the first violation, put them into effect.
5. Disregard their attempt to get a reaction from you.
The narcissist will always try to get an emotional reaction from you. Once they know your triggers, they won’t hesitate to use them. Once you lose your temper, they can play the victim and get people to turn against you.
Don’t let them. The calmer you are and the less you react, the less control they have. Narcissists cannot stand being ignored or invisible to the people they want to control.
Keep that in mind when they up the ante and do something extreme (even for them).
6. Respond to their emotional assault with calm, factual information.
Counter even a single verbal assault with verifiable data, and you can expect the narcissist to react badly.
How dare you counter their convenient assumption with something factually correct?
Do it anyway. They need to see their temper tantrums have no power over you. That said if they can’t bully you into apologizing and conceding defeat, prepare yourself to be dead to them—which may be for the best.
7. Appeal to a higher authority
When we say “higher authority,” we encourage you to choose one whose existence the narcissist can’t deny—or whose words they can’t paraphrase to fit their own opinion.
As a rule, narcissists have no respect for authority other than their own. And if they flout someone else’s legitimate authority, they’ll likely expect you to do the same out of loyalty to them.
No appeals to a higher authority will save you if you don’t.
Whether you’re celebrating a win of your own or sharing in someone else’s triumph, narcissists generally won’t share your enthusiasm because they prefer that your attention be fixed on them — their wins or their sufferings or their perspective.
To them, you’re in the wrong if you’re celebrating a win they can’t claim as their own.
That shouldn’t stop you, though, from doing exactly that. Enjoy your own successes and be quick to offer your congratulations when someone you know (other than the narcissist) has exciting news to share.
9. Shake things up.
Narcissists don’t like change—unless it’s their idea. They’d much rather keep things as they are as long as they can keep their control over you. Change brings unpredictable variables. The risk that one of those variables could weaken their hold on you is too great.
So, find a way to shake things up. Do something unexpected — or, at least, something they don’t expect from you. Go outside your comfort zone and try something new and scary.
Then pay attention to the way they react. But don’t let them bait you into an apology.
10. Choose more supportive people to hang with.
Maybe you already know some people like this. Or maybe it’s time you made some new friends. Think about what these friends might do with their free time, and make a point of visiting those places or adding those activities to your weekly schedule.
At the very least, you’re likely to meet more people who are not narcissistic. And that alone could help you see the narcissist in your life more clearly.
You have a right to want more than what they’re capable of giving you.
11. Make yourself less available to the narcissist.
The narcissist doesn’t have an inviolable right to reach you and drag you into their personal hell whenever it suits them. And you’re not obligated to answer every text within seconds (or at all).
You have a right to block their continual verbal assault however you can—on your phone, on social media, and, as much as possible, in person.
If they start calling you at all hours trying to get a hold of you and leaving frantic voice mails desperate to “know you’re okay,” you can send them a brief text to let them know you’re alive and well. But you’re not obligated to do so.
12. Make plans of your own and keep them.
Make plans that take you away from the narcissist — or further out of their reach. Sign up for a retreat or workshop of some kind in a different geographical area.
Or go on a road trip (alone or with someone other than the narcissist) or hop a bus to get away for the weekend—or longer.
Do NOT allow the narcissist to change your plans by insisting you do something with them instead. The closer you get to your departure date, the more likely they will do something drastic to get you to stay and do what they want instead.
13. Find new and better ways to spend your time.
Explore a new hobby. Sign up for a class that interests you (ideally something the narcissist would avoid). Or join a book club or other group activity that could lead to new, healthier friendships.
Volunteer work is another option, especially if the narcissist in your life finds the particular type of volunteer service repellant.
Don’t allow the narcissist to pester you out of spending your time as you would like–even if they pull out all the usual tactics: guilt, threats, gaslighting, and temper tantrums.
Walk away. How they choose to react is on them.
Now that you know how to make the narcissist in your life miserable, which of the tips described above stood out for you? And what will you do differently today?
