Walk away and don’t look back if you see these signs.
You’ve done everything you know to do to save your relationship, but you feel it slipping away each day. You can only control so much, after all. And not all relationships are meant to last forever. Still, you’d like to know for certain whether it’s time to let go of your partner. These 13 red flags are clear signals it’s time to move on.
1. You can’t forgive a past hurt.
If you’re still hurting from a deep wound caused by your partner, and you want to avoid being hurt that way again, rebuilding the trust will take more than your forgiveness.
You might still love each other. But you’re under no obligation to take the same risk that resulted in the hurt you still feel — or in the emotional scar tissue that stands in the way of the closeness you used to have.
2. Couples’ counseling hasn’t work.
Sometimes couples’ counseling can get a relationship back on track. But sometimes it can’t. If you’ve tried counseling, but it only served to highlight or even deepen the cracks in your relationship, you don’t have to fight it.
Not every relationship is meant to last forever. Involving a counselor may do nothing but confirm what you already know to be true. It’s time to end it.
3. Your partner has feelings for someone else.
You may want hard evidence that your partner has already transferred affection to someone else. But you don’t need to hire a private detective or get your partner to confess.
Trust your instincts, even if no one else in your life trusts them. If your partner is dismissing your concerns and continuing to show interest in the other person, you owe it to yourself to end the relationship.
4. You can’t get past repeat conflict.
Early in the relationship, it’s easy to dismiss small irritations, even when your partner doesn’t correct them when you gently ask them to. Thoughtless or selfish behavior that goes uncorrected, though, can deepen the rift between you and make it difficult (if not impossible) to feel united or loved.
If one or both of you have decided it’s no longer worth the effort to keep trying, it’s time to discuss the possibility that the relationship has run its course.
5. Your needs are just too different.
Maybe one of you has a strong desire for physical intimacy, but the other would just as soon avoid it and express their love in non-physical ways. Or maybe one of you wants lots of couple time, but the other needs more alone time to recharge.
If your needs or strong desires conflict with your partner’s, it’s important to discuss what to do about it. You don’t have to “make it work” if you keep running into the same conflicts. If you can’t reach a compromise, it may be time to move on.
6. You’ve become disillusioned.
You had certain ideas of each other when the relationship was in its early days. But as you get to know each other while living in the same space, those illusions fade.
You see your partner as they truly are when they’re not on their best behavior. And the conflicts grow more frequent and intense. The real people you both are do not get along. And the cost of staying together has gotten too high.
7. There are too many external stressors.
Plenty of external stressors can wreak havoc on a relationship. And as much as one or both of you may believe you can weather any storm, your relationship has worn down to a painful nub.
If your partner insists on staying together no matter what, but you see nothing but needless pain and suffering for both of you, you have the right to end it.
8. You have way too many power struggles.
If your partner insists on having the final word in every argument and decision as the “head of the family” or as “she who must be obeyed,” your relationship is in trouble.
It’s no longer a give-and-take relationship; it’s a head-butting power struggle. And sometimes, the only solution is to end the relationship your partner is intent on dominating.
9. You’re the victim of physical or emotional abuse.
Obviously, if your partner is abusive in any way (physical, mental, or emotional), you’re under no obligation to reform them or to stay together “for better or for worse.”
Especially if children are involved, you owe it to them to find a safer and healthier environment to grow. But don’t discount your own need for that, too. Run, don’t walk, out the door.
10. You can no longer be vulnerable and close.
If you no longer trust your partner (or vice-versa), your interactions are likely to be superficial but not close and comfortable. You doubt that you’ll ever allow yourself to be vulnerable with the person you used to trust wholeheartedly.
So, the walls stay up. And your inner world is a no-fly zone. Don’t be surprised if one or both of you decide that whatever you still have isn’t enough.
11. One or both of you is bored and restless.
If you or your partner is bored of your relationship or restless whenever you spend time together, it’s time to get to the root of that. You’ll both need to be honest about the reason for these feelings and how they impact your connection.
If you find yourselves resenting the need to spend time together (to “make this work”), it’s time to seriously consider moving on in different directions.
12. You’ve lost that loving feeling — for good.
You no longer feel anything for your partner (or vice-versa), and nothing you do rekindles what you once had. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that.
This is a pervasive and unfixable lack of feeling — often due to a loss of trust and connection that used to be there. Either one or both of you are numb around the other, and even the desire to feel something is gone. The relationship is already dead.
13. Addictive behavior has poisoned the relationship.
If either of you have addictive behaviors to cope with the stress of staying together (or for any other reason), that’s enough of a red flag. No one can be fully present and committed in a relationship when addiction is involved.
Maybe holding onto these escapes has become more necessary than salvaging what’s left of your relationship. If so, it’s time to let go.
