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August 23, 2021 — 20:04 PM
The term “toxic” gets thrown around a lot these days—but what does it actually mean? Odds are, you’ve met a toxic person or two throughout your life, but sometimes they can be hard to spot. Here, we dig into what being toxic really means, signs to watch out for, and how to deal with toxic people in your life.
What does it mean to be toxic?
Toxic people are people who cause harm to another, often through emotional manipulation, clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, tells mbg. Some do it knowingly, such as dark personality types (your psychopaths, narcissists, sociopaths, Machiavellians, etc.), which are often correlated with toxic traits, she adds.
As licensed psychotherapist Babita Spinelli, L.P., J.D., notes, these people can have a really negative impact on others through their behavior, whether they’re attempting to manipulate someone, control them, or abuse them in any way.
“Then there’s another added layer where there are those who do it sadistically to cause drama or watch someone squirm,” Neo adds.
That said, some people can have toxic traits without necessarily realizing the effect they’re having on other people.
How toxic people can negatively affect you.
It goes without saying that toxic people aren’t fun to be around, but the negative effect they can have on people goes deep. As Spinelli explains, these people will find ways to blame you for everything, control you, suffocate you, and invalidate you, which can lead you to abandon yourself.
Not only that, but they’re energy vampires, meaning they seem to drain the very life out of you just with their presence. “They cause you a lot of distress that you may even justify because you can’t understand why it’s affecting you so badly,” Neo notes, adding that toxic people will often make you question your sanity.
When a toxic person has a hold on you, you’ll find yourself accommodating them, making poor choices, and getting caught in drama. This all leads to an overall diminishing of self-esteem and self-worth, and even anxiety and depression, says Spinelli.
11 traits to look out for:
1. Emotional manipulation
Great relationships start with great sleep.*
Emotional manipulation includes a whole host of behaviors and tactics, and if you get the sense you’re being emotionally manipulated, you’re likely dealing with a toxic person, Neo and Spinelli say.
“They’ll put you down and insult you, often in a passive-aggressive or backhanded way,” Neo says. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe they make jokes about something you’re sensitive about to get a rise out of you, or perhaps they withhold affection to punish you for seemingly no reason. “All they want is to make you squirm—they thrive on that,” Neo says.
Any sort of dishonesty, whether it’s deceit, lying, or general secrecy, is a sign of a toxic person, according to Spinelli. This one is tough, depending on how good of a liar you’re dealing with, but if you catch them in a lie, especially more than once, don’t take it lightly.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation, but it gets its own callout because it can be hard to realize when it’s happening to you. Gaslighting is essentially when someone denies your reality with phrases like “you’re making things up” or “you’re being dramatic” when you express your thoughts and feelings. This is toxic, Neo and Spinelli agree, and can lead you to distrust your own intuition and experiences. (If you notice it’s happening to you, here’s how to deal with gaslighting.)
4. Lack of accountability
Toxic people do not want to take the blame for anything, and they’ll make sure they don’t. Not only do they display a lack of responsibility for their actions, Spinelli says, but they’ll often deflect blame onto others.
According to Neo, toxic people have no concept of (or respect for) boundaries. If you set a healthy, reasonable boundary, they’ll trample all over it, she says, adding they’ll even make it your fault for “being too sensitive” if you get upset when your boundary is crossed.
Does this person support your goals and dreams? Are they happy for you when something goes right in your life? Are they interested in your wants and needs? If the answer to these questions is no, Spinelli says, that’s a toxic person. Even when they do make feigned attempts at support, it can often come off as “toxic positivity,” which is essentially insincere optimism to avoid actually holding space for someone.
Going back to the idea of energy vampires, Neo and Spinelli agree, toxic people are an extreme drain to be around. “They are depleting and leave you feeling exhausted,” Spinelli says. Neo concurs: “They create stress, depletion, and negativity to those around them.”
According to Spinelli, toxic people are likely to create a power dynamic. They don’t want relationships with mutual respect and reciprocity but rather ones where they have the upper hand and can manipulate the people around them. (See: one-sided friendships.)
9. Encouraging codependency
Similar to the aforementioned power structure, toxic people will not only encourage but create a codependent dynamic, Spinelli says. If you’re being gaslighted and your trust in your own self has diminished, you’ll lean on this toxic person even further, Neo explains, which is exactly what they want. “They will do their ultimate best to isolate you from people in your life,” she adds.
Toxic people want to make you squirm. So, Neo says, don’t be surprised when they can’t seem to resist starting a fight. For example, they may know you have an early morning the next day and ask to do something late that night, just so you’ll have to say no and set that boundary. “Then they’ll tell you you’re being difficult or demanding,” Neo adds.
And lastly, Neo explains, the more sophisticated toxic people who know when they’ve done wrong (because they did it on purpose) may apologize to you. But that apology won’t be sincere—”they make it all about you, and make it all your fault,” she adds, with phrases like “I’m sorry you think I was wrong” or “I’m sorry if I upset you.” And remember, an apology without change is manipulation in its own right. (Here’s the right way to apologize, for what it’s worth.)
How to deal with toxic people.
So, what can be done about these toxic people? Neo suggests ignoring them if possible—and certainly get out if you’re in a relationship with them (romantic or not). “If the toxic relationship demonstrates one-sidedness,” Spinelli adds, “it’s time to distance yourself or cut it off.”
Of course, sometimes we can’t avoid certain people, whether they be toxic family members or co-workers. In that case, it’s important to know your boundaries and stick to them, Spinelli says. As Neo adds, sometimes we don’t realize we are indeed allowed to set firm boundaries. If you struggle with this, she suggests planning a “script” of sorts, planning out exactly what you want to say before you have to say it.
Both Neo and Spinelli explain that when dealing with toxic people, we have to know what we’re dealing with and respond as such. Neo calls it the “law of the jungle,” basically saying you wouldn’t go into a jungle without being properly equipped to protect yourself. So, don’t be afraid to do just that.
“This doesn’t mean you are not a compassionate person,” Spinelli adds. “It means you are taking care of yourself and ensuring self-preservation.” And as Neo notes, defending yourself is not the same as provoking another, and “you can retain your kindest, most loving self for those who deserve it.”
Last but certainly not least, Neo also suggests doing some trauma work, because toxic people will know how to hit you where it hurts. “Make sure you heal the trauma, respond wisely, and you are strategic,” she says, so that they can’t trigger you.
Sometimes it can be hard to admit to ourselves when a close person in our lives is toxic. We don’t want to believe it, and we want to give them the benefit of the doubt. But if any of these signs and behaviors have left you unsettled, there’s a very good chance you’re dealing with a toxic person. No one deserves to be emotionally manipulated or abused in any way, so when it comes down to it, your best bet is to maintain as much distance as possible.