Ah, the good ol’ 69. Whether it’s a staple in your repertoire or something you tried once and got overwhelmed by, this detailed guide to 69ing has something to help you see it in a new light. Read on for why the 69 position could be good for you, how to mix it up, and some tips and tricks to optimize pleasure for everyone involved.
The 69 position is an oral sex position where two partners are giving each other oral sex simultaneously. It gets the name because, when two people are engaged in it, their joined bodies appear to be curved together like the numbers 6 and 9 next to each other. The term comes originally from the French soixante-neuf (literally “sixty-nine”) and has been in use for a few hundred years. 69ing also shows up in the Kama Sutra under the name “the congress of a crow.”
To get into the classic 69 position, one partner lies flat on their back. The second partner then climbs on top of them with their head facing their partner’s feet. They then align their mouth with their partner’s genitals while also making sure to align their own genitals with their partner’s mouth. From this position, you can then enjoy the feeling of oral sex while giving the same pleasure to your partner.
“Couples that are able to maintain long-term satisfying sexual relationships have a few things in common; one of them [is] a sense of adventure,” says Kyle Zrenchik, Ph.D., LMFT, ACS, a couples’ and sex therapist and clinical director at ALL IN Therapy Clinic in Minneapolis.
Since 69ing takes a little bit of trial, error, and exploration, it is great for bringing couples back to a more mindful approach to sex. It’s not really possible to zone out and 69; you need to be responsive, attentive, and ready to try different things out. This makes it a great choice for couples who want to rediscover their sexual passion for each other.
“Couples that try things, experiment, explore, challenge themselves, and are brave enough to engage in things outside of their repertoire experience a sense of mystery and vulnerability, which are key components [to continued contentment],” says Zrenchik.
2. You’re a big oral sex fan.
For many people with vulvas, oral sex is the only way they can achieve orgasm during partnered sex. So a sex act dedicated to oral could be worth considering for those who struggle to come in other ways. The 69 is also great for those who are simply extra turned on by the idea of going down on their partner and wish to really bury themselves down there!
3. You want to balance the pleasure ratio in your sex life.
Some couples experience a skewed distribution of oral sex, which they may wish to rectify. If you’re frustrated about giving more oral than you’re receiving, 69ing can be a way to help even the balance out. As tantric therapist and sex coach Renee Adolphe points out, no one can be left out when 69ing.
4. You like a lot of stimulation.
The 69 position is wonderful for people who want a variety of stimuli to turn them on. When you’re receiving and giving oral sex at the same time, you’re being genitally stimulated as well as aroused by the sights, smells, and noises of your partner’s pleasure. This combination can lead to extra-strong orgasms. The satisfaction of making your partner feel good is an intense aphrodisiac.
Variations of the 69 position.
While the 69 position is traditionally used for oral sex, you can absolutely change it up by using your hands instead. “If your mouth needs to rest a bit, use your hands on the genitals. Respect what your body is feeling and needing,” says Adolphe. There’s no shame in needing to give your tongue a break.
If you own a sex swing, it can be a great addition to the 69 position, recommends Adolphe. To do this variation, one partner lies back in the swing and the other partner stands behind their head facing their feet, bends over, and pleasures them with their mouth while the swinging partner aligns themselves with the standing partner’s genitals.
To get into this variation, one partner sits on the floor with their legs stretched out in front of them, slightly splayed. The other person lowers their genitals onto their partner’s face, with their legs on either side of their partner’s shoulders and bends down to pleasure their partner. The benefit of this variation is that it allows for easy spanking access for the person squatting. This one requires you to be in pretty good shape if you want to be the person doing the squatting, warns Adolphe, as it takes a lot of strength to hold yourself up there.
Another variation for those of you who hit the gym is the standing 69. In this position, explains Zrenchik, “one partner stands and lifts their partner in the air, allowing them to dangle down and perform oral pleasure invertedly.”
The fun doesn’t have to stop with just you and one partner, as the 69 position can be easily adapted to accommodate three people, says Adolphe. In order to get into the position with three people, you need to aim to make a kind of triangle between you, so that each person is simultaneously giving and receiving oral sex.
Tips & techniques to optimize pleasure:
“First and foremost, do what is comfortable for you both. It’s hard to enjoy something if you are physically uncomfortable,” says Zrenchik. If one party has a sensitive gag reflex or claustrophobia, consider lying on your sides or having that partner on top. Don’t try to push past discomfort just to please your partner; it’s a lose-lose situation.
Sometimes it’s difficult to reach your partner at the right angle, or your neck can begin to hurt. If this is the case, you can prop yourself up using a pillow or sex wedge to give the desired height and/or angle, advises Adolphe.
All bodies have odors and scents; they’re natural, healthy, and sexy. However, it is courteous to make sure that there’s no stray toilet paper clinging to your pubic hair or days-old sweat in your partner’s face. A quick wash before getting down to business means that you can focus fully on the job at hand instead of worrying about how you might smell, recommends Zrenchik.
“Sometimes it becomes difficult to maintain a moist mouth when pleasuring your partner for a long time, so keep lube handy in case you need it,” recommends Adolphe. If you’re not a fan of the taste of lube, you can opt for something flavored—just make sure it doesn’t contain glycerin, which can give you a yeast infection! (Here are some natural lubes you can also consider.)
69ing can require a fair amount of strength and stamina, so you might want to consider working on some strength conditioning to make it easier. “Also, depending on your and your partner’s bodies, 69ing may require advanced flexibility in your neck, shoulders, and back. If you feel your body is limited, 69ing may be a great reason to attend those yoga classes,” says Zrenchik.
“If lying on your side for a while hurts your back or hips, maybe have one partner lie on the bed with their head hanging off while the other partner is on top and holding themselves up with their hands,” advises Zrenchik. It can be nearly impossible to orgasm if you’re in unwanted physical pain or discomfort. Making simple adjustments can go a long way to improving the experience for all involved.
A simple way to heighten the pleasure of the 69 position is for “one or both of you to wear a butt plug,” says Adolphe. “This way, whenever your pelvic floor muscles contract from the pleasure of the oral stimulation, you will stimulate the anal nerves giving you even more pleasure.” If you want to maximize the pleasure, choose a butt plug that vibrates or simulates rimming. (Here are some more anal sex toys to consider.)
What to do with a height difference.
If you and your partner have a significant height difference, don’t fear! This can be solved quite easily by the taller partner contorting into a “C” shape if you’re doing 69 while lying on your side, suggests Adolphe. You can also evade the problem by being creative. “Perhaps the taller partner uses their hands and fingers more while their partner uses their mouth,” says Zrenchik.
So there you have it: a range of ways to try out 69ing! Trying something new with your partner can bring you closer and breathe new life into your relationship, not to mention more intimate and satisfying sex. As with anything sex-related, the key is to communicate well with your partner and make sure you’re on the same page before diving into anything. Happy 69ing!
