October 9, 2021 — 12:04 PM
When it comes to sexual orientation, you’ll sometimes hear people say they’ve “always known” they were gay, straight, or bisexual, but this isn’t the case for everyone. For some people, sexual desire and orientation flows differently throughout their lives and actually changes over time. These people are considered to be sexually fluid, also known as abrosexual.
What does abrosexual mean?
Abrosexuality is a flexible or fluid sexuality that fluctuates considerably over time, both in terms of who a person is attracted to and what level of sexual and/or romantic attraction occurs, according to AASECT-certified sex therapist Indigo Stray Conger, LMFT, CST.
“An abrosexual person may be drawn towards androgynous partners and desire to have frequent sexual interactions for a year or two and then find themselves romantically attracted to hyper-masculine partners but not have much interest in sex for the next six months,” she tells mbg. “These fluctuations may occur over various periods of time for different people but indicate a pattern of significant fluctuation in sexual orientation.”
That said, it’s important to note that those who identify as abrosexual aren’t “just confused” or struggling to make up their minds. Abrosexuality is a valid, specific orientation and should be treated as such.
Signs you could be abrosexual.
1. Your approach to dating is often misunderstood.
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Stray Conger says in some cases, your loved ones may describe you as someone who is frequently trying to “uncover who you truly are.” For example, they might think that because you were engaged in short-term, heterosexual, high-libido connections for some time and now you have a same-gender partner with whom you are more focused on romance, that you have discovered a “truer” expression of your sexuality. But that’s not the way you see it: These are simply two different, equally valid expressions of your sexuality that have made sense in specific periods of your life.
2. You don’t feel a firm connection to one sexual orientation.
Sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D., says you might be abrosexual if you don’t feel overly attached to one sexual orientation but instead you sometimes feel more straight, other times you may feel more gay or bi, or even asexual. Your own sense of yourself might change often.
3. You are interested in sex sometimes but not other times.
While this may sound like something we all go through, it’s a little different for abrosexuals. In fact, it’s the reason why abrosexuality is considered by some to be on the asexuality spectrum, which may include periods where the person feels asexual and without sexual interest toward others, Queen says.
“This isn’t necessarily the same thing as just not feeling like having sex at any given moment—asexuality is typically more sustained than that—but there may be some overlap with Grey-A identity here,” she explains. (That’s shorthand for graysexual, which is on the asexuality spectrum.)
4. You might feel like you’re coming out all the time.
As an abrosexual, you’re typically flowing through different sexual orientations throughout your life, so it can easily feel like you’re always needing to come out to the people around you when you step into a new partnership.
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Abrosexual vs. pansexual.
Abrosexuality and pansexuality are similar in the sense that both involve having sexual desire for multiple genders, but there is one main difference—which is the fluidity and fluctuation that happens for someone who identifies as abrosexual.
Queen says many pansexuals will be attracted to all types of people regardless of (or inclusive of) gender variation, and even if they have a monogamous relationship with one person, they will still feel this attraction to all kinds of folks and identify around it. On the other hand, an abrosexual might connect with one partner out of the many they might be into and identify with that orientation only for a time before sliding into another identity (or activity) with another type of partner. Additionally, an abrosexual might not be attracted to all genders, as a pansexual would, but rather some subset of all those types.
“For some period of time an abrosexual may be strongly drawn to female partners and at other times male or somewhere in between. Those attractions do not necessarily occur simultaneously, as they would for a pansexual,” Stray Conger adds.
Dating when you’re abrosexual.
Navigating dating, relationships, and sex is hard enough, but when your sexual attraction and desires are constantly changing, that adds another layer of complications. However, being abrosexual doesn’t mean you can’t have a totally healthy and functional dating life with everyone involved feeling appreciated while having their boundaries respected. Here are a few things you’ll want to focus on while dating.
Understand your patterns and check in with yourself often.
It’s important to take the time to understand your own boundaries and patterns so you can support yourself while dating. Queen says because there is a range of experiences among abrosexuals regarding the differing periods of attraction or lack thereof, the first thing would be for you to understand your patterns, if there are any. By understanding yourself, you’ll be better able to be open with partners about how you roll if that’s what you choose to do.
“While I am biased toward being transparent, I realize there are situations when this is not safe or where a person doesn’t really know their own patterns yet—I’m not trying to impose this, just encourage folks to ‘know thyself,’ as the sages would say,” she adds.
Stray Conger also recommends checking in with yourself frequently. She says connecting to how you are feeling in your body and in your attractions on a regular basis will help you to recognize early cues to when your interests are beginning to shift.
“Instead of fighting against an attribute that others may consider fickle, lean into the reality of how you experience relationships and learn about yourself in the process,” she says.
Keep the lines of communication open.
We know how important communication is in any relationship, and sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes says it’s all the more important for abrosexual people. “It’s important to have good communication skills and let our partners know what’s coming up for us. This way your partner can understand what’s happening for you when you do experience these shifts and they can better support and understand boundaries,” she says.
Monogamy isn’t off the table.
While an open relationship or casual connections might make more sense for many folks who identify as abrosexual, it isn’t the only way.
“There’s no rule an abrosexual can’t be in a long-term relationship or be monogamous, so it’s probably also useful for the person to have a sense of their relationship interests and goals,” Queen says. “Of course, an open relationship is on the table, learning the skills to ethically conduct such a relationship will be important: communication, honesty, negotiating expectations. Safer sex skills too!”
Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Finally, it might be useful for abrosexuals to find a support group or a therapist who understands them and their approach to dating and relationships. In fact, any person who doesn’t follow a normative path might find this useful, Queen says.
What to do if your partner identifies as abrosexual.
If your partner shares that they are abrosexual, the first thing you’ll want to do is learn about the term if you aren’t familiar with it. Consider asking them what being abrosexual means to them, Stray Conger says. Ask them about the circumstances that allowed them to realize their abrosexuality initially, their patterns, and how they would like you to check in with them about their fluctuating desires.
By doing so, you’ll not only be able to better understand and support your partner, but you’ll also be able to express your own needs and boundaries about the relationship. From there, you can both support each other and do the work it takes to be in a relationship together.
Another great way to approach things is to focus on being in the moment, Queen says. “Build as healthy a relationship with the person as possible so that you can be in the moment with them, not constantly looking ahead for signs of fluctuation in their feelings for you. Fluctuations might happen, for many reasons, in any relationship, and being too on the alert for them can be counter productive.”
If you consider yourself sexually fluid and you go through periods of being attracted to different genders or sometimes not feeling attraction at all, you could be abrosexual.
“Sexually fluid or multi-sexual people now have more language to specify how their attractions and orientation show up in their lives, and abrosexuality is a way to distinguish attractions that change and shift versus ones that are stable but still multiple, like a pansexual person might experience them,” Queen says. “The language is there to help you feel more connected to yourself and community—not a rule you have to follow.”