August 20, 2021 — 1:58 AM
Ever interacted with someone who seemed to be expressing interest in you…by making fun of you? This confusing behavior is known as negging, and oddly, it’s often used as a form of flirting.
We all desire and deserve healthy, mutually supportive relationships, but sometimes we can find ourselves entangled with people who manipulate and harm us. Why do some people get a rise out of putting others down? Here, we’ll be doing a deep dive into the psychology behind this form of emotional control and how to deal with it.
Negging is a form of emotional manipulation that is carried out through “backhanded compliments and insults disguised as constructive criticism,” says licensed mental health counselor Amanda Levison, M.S., LMHC, LPC, CCBT. Negging is deployed by people who wish to undermine, belittle, and control the people around them, with the intention to make the person begin to overly desire and depend on the negger’s approval for self-esteem. Over time, negging can be extremely destructive and dangerous to the person on the receiving end.
The term negging first showed up in the world of “pickup artists,” men who prey on women and seek to break them down in order to have sex with them. Over time, negging has come to be coupled more generally with any kind of relationship that is built on one party trying to undermine the other for their own gain. It’s important to acknowledge that while negging is most commonly seen in the context of romantic relationships, it can also show up in friendships, work relationships, and families.
Make no mistake: “Negging is a form of abuse,” says licensed clinical psychologist Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, LCP, Ph.D. It is not a valid or even effective way to flirt, no matter what pickup artists might say.
Signs & examples of negging.
Negging is sneaky and can show up in many forms. Here’s a quick list with examples to help you spot whether you’re being negged. Be on your guard for uneasy feelings after supposedly receiving a compliment.
They give you backhanded compliments.
- “I don’t usually go for women like you, but for you, I’ll make an exception.”
- “Wow, you’re actually really interesting. I didn’t expect that.”
- “I really like your outfit, but you must know that those shoes don’t go with it.”
- “You have a great figure. How much did it cost you?”
- “You look good. I guess today you finally made an effort.”
They insult you and dress it up as a question.
- “Are you really going to wear that?”
- “Are you sure you need a second portion of dinner?”
- “What was the thought behind this look?”
- “I guess you’re really brave going outside looking like that…”
They insult you and dress it up as “constructive criticism.”
- “You know, you’d actually look kind of sexy if you lost 10 pounds.”
- “It’s really best for people with your hair color to not wear bright colors.”
- “A haircut would balance out how asymmetrical your face is.”
They compare you to others.
- “You’re no Scarlett Johansson, but you do look good in that dress.”
- “Well done on getting your new job. It’s a shame you don’t earn as much as me.”
- “You’re almost as funny as my ex.”
Great relationships start with great sleep.*
Negging is most often born out of toxic masculinity. Men who neg women often operate under the assumption that women are not worthy of respect, seeing them instead as objects to be manipulated for their own gain. The pickup artist “community” encourages men to be ruthless in asserting themselves over women and assures them that they “deserve” sexual success with women. It’s misogyny at its most naked.
Negging is presented as the ultimate fail-safe flirting technique because it knocks women down and positions the negger as the only one who can build them back up. But in reality, people who neg others are often the ones who are insecure in themselves and see negging as the “only” way they can flirt.
Absolutely not. Negging as a flirting technique can never lead to healthy sexual or romantic attachments. “If your goal is to connect to others successfully, then criticism is a poor communication strategy,” says licensed therapist Adam D. Blum, MFT of the Gay Therapy Centre. Any kind of manipulation is not a solid foundation on which to build intimacy.
Emotionally abusing someone into sleeping with you is not only immoral, but it often actually has the opposite effect of making people not want to be around you.
“Negging is a great way to signal to people that you’re insecure and a terrible person to be in a relationship with,” licensed therapist Nick Bognar, LMFT, says. “So, on some level, it’s a great thing when someone negs you because it would often take a lot longer to figure out that they’re awful to be with.”
Is negging a form of gaslighting?
Negging is not exactly the same as gaslighting, even though they are both forms of emotional manipulation. “Gaslighting is a form of manipulation leading someone into thinking that they are wrong [about what has actually happened]. For example, gaslighting would look like, “What are you talking about? That never happened. You’re losing your mind,'” explains licensed therapist Ana de la Cruz, LMFT.
How to respond to negging.
When you’re being negged, you might feel very unsure of yourself. Therefore, it is great to know in advance some ways that you can respond if you realize you’re being negged.
The simplest response is to ignore them and stop interacting with them, suggests de la Rosa. Wasting energy on trying to engage with someone who cannot respect you can be extremely draining.
If you feel that you’re able to, “you can directly confront the person and tell them you do not like the way they are talking to you,” he says. However, be aware that the person may then respond to your confrontation with more abusive behaviors, such as gaslighting. Additionally, de la Rosa emphasizes that it is never your responsibility to change a person’s abusive behavior, but you can absolutely make it clear to them that what they’re doing is not OK.
If you think there’s a chance that the person might be able to take it in properly, then you can try saying something like, “When you make a comment like that, it makes me feel both angry and hurt—angry because I know you are trying to make me feel bad, and hurt because, even though I know your motive, your words are still impactful,” suggests licensed therapist John Mathews, LCSW.
As we’ve already established, negging is a harmful, abusive, and unsuccessful flirting technique. In order to flirt in a healthy way, professional counselor William Schroeder, LPC, NCC, suggests being as genuine as possible when showing interest in someone.
“If you meet someone you think is cute, go say hello and be direct about it. Say that you think they are cute and that you would like to take them on a date,” he says.
Engaging with people about their interests is always a surefire hit, as people are generally more comfortable when the focus is not directly on them at first. “I met my wife at a wedding almost 10 years ago now. I noticed she was playing a game, and I stepped up to compete against her, and she was a fierce competitor. I asked what her name was and if she would like to go on a date with me some time,” Schroeder shares. “Ten years later, here we are!”
And of course, part of good flirting is also being gracious if the other person isn’t interested. If that’s the case, then thank them politely for being honest and move on. (For more ideas, here’s how to know if someone likes you, how to build sexual tension, and more online dating tips.)
Negging is harmful and insidious, and if you’re worried that you’re in a toxic relationship with someone who puts you down, puts themself first, and disregards your emotions, then know that you’re better off without them. If you are worried for your safety, then there are resources available to you to help you leave. (Here’s our in-depth guide on how to leave an abusive relationship.)
The best practice for relationships is always open, honest, and clear communication, in which all parties are genuine and vulnerable with each other.
If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.