August 26, 2021 — 14:06 PM
You may be familiar with the story of Peter Pan, the boy who lives in a magical place called Neverland so he never has to grow up. Despite how glorious it’d be to never have to pay a bill or schedule a doctor’s appointment, these are very real things that you do as an adult. Peter Pan avoided the responsibilities of adulthood with everything he had, and people with Peter Pan syndrome tend to do the same.
Where the term “Peter Pan syndrome” comes from.
Named after the boy who never grew up, the term “Peter Pan syndrome” was first seen in psychoanalyst Dan Kiley’s 1983 book The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up. The term describes the phenomenon of adults who age physically but not emotionally.
Adults with Peter Pan syndrome, also sometimes called failure-to-launch syndrome, avoid the personal and professional responsibilities of adulthood. “They just are the individuals who really don’t want to grow up,” psychotherapist and relationship expert Babita Spinelli, L.P., tells mbg. “And they find adult responsibilities truly challenging.”
Kiley may have focused on men in his research, but Peter Pan syndrome can apply to any gender. “In today’s day and age, we don’t have those kinds of gender stereotypes, so we really want to be more open in how we apply it,” confirms Spinelli.
Peter Pan syndrome is not an official diagnosis or mental health condition recognized by the World Health Organization or the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Still, it helps to put a name to the Peter Pan warning signs we may see in the people around us or in ourselves.
It’s tough to tell if you or someone you know has Peter Pan syndrome since there aren’t any official symptoms of it. But there are some common and, perhaps, familiar-to-you ways it shows up in life. Below are just a few of the ways Peter Pan syndrome shows up in life, and not every person who has it displays it in the same way:
1. Trouble with long-term plans.
Set yourself up for success with a good night’s sleep.*
Someone with Peter Pan syndrome may find it difficult to be in a long-term relationship, romantic or platonic. Their attachment style is anything but secure, and they may not be able to emotionally commit to someone else. This doesn’t mean that everyone who doesn’t want a long-term relationship has this syndrome. But if the fear of taking on the responsibility of a healthy relationship or not wanting to grow is the reason for a breakup, then maybe.
2. Relying on other people to take care of them.
It can be second nature for someone with Peter Pan syndrome to depend on their parents or family. “They are unable to do anything that would help themselves in a meaningful way or to truly separate from their families of origin,” says child and adult psychiatrist Gauri Khurana, M.D. They enjoy other people taking care of them.
3. No interest in personal growth.
There’s a general understanding that as you get older, you grow as a person. The growth can be minimal, but it’s growth. But when you have Peter Pan syndrome, there’s no reason to grow: You enjoy living life the way you always have and don’t see anything wrong with it.
4. Difficult time making decisions.
The average person makes an estimated more than 35,000 decisions each day. You could say it’s a major part of being an adult. Someone with Peter Pan syndrome may avoid this by having someone else take the lead. “Oftentimes they fear they’ll be looked at negatively, and so they’re in a paralysis about their decisions,” Spinelli says.
5. Tough relationship with money.
Not everyone is savvy with their money. You may only think about your finances when you’re spending money or checking your accounts, but you’re still thinking about it. For someone with Peter Pan syndrome, though, tracking personal finances isn’t a priority. It may even be something they avoid altogether—until there is a negative balance in their account, that is.
6. Avoiding conflict and confrontation.
Someone with Peter Pan syndrome may still have the emotional maturity of a child. So when it comes to conflict and confrontation, they avoid it as best they can, sometimes escaping into their own realities and other times storming away and locking themselves in the bedroom.
Where these traits come from.
“As a psychoanalyst, we’re always sort of looking for the connection to our childhoods,” Spinelli says. “A bit of a snapshot is, of course, we go back to what was modeled by our parents.”
Say you had helicopter parents who were always around and super involved in your life. They took care of everything and tended to be a little overprotective. They may have cheered you on and kept you safe, but they were also creating a shaky foundation for your adult self—one where you felt unsure or anxious when it came time to make a decision or do something for yourself. (This could also be the case for those with controlling parents or snowplow parents.)
On the other end of the spectrum, say you grew up in an abusive or neglectful household where you were always shut down. “Again, you never really learned how to be an adult,” says Spinelli. The fear and insecurity you grew up with manifests into an adult who isn’t sure of themselves and is afraid of doing the wrong thing. So they avoid doing anything.
And if you came from a place of economic or emotional hardship, where you never learned how to handle money or relationships, the idea of staying in a state where that stuff didn’t matter so much can be appealing.
In the end, all it all comes down to is what you learned as a kid, and what your parents or guardians modeled for you.
How narcissism is related.
Most of what we see of Peter Pan syndrome on reality TV are extreme, bordering narcissistic examples. It’s important to understand that these two things are not the same. They also don’t always present themselves within the same person. Spinelli shares some commonalities between narcissism and Peter Pan syndrome below:
- Failure to accept accountability
- Blaming others
- Prioritizing their perspectives
- Prioritizing their desires
- Fear of criticism
She notes that “with narcissism, there is a lack of empathy that accompanies these behaviors, which is not always the case with Peter Pan syndrome.”
How to deal with Peter Pan syndrome.
Having a childlike air to the way you live is a good way to relieve stress and embrace your curiosity. There are definitely upsides—like living with a cheerful spontaneity and calming disposition. There’s also a good chance you don’t know you have Peter Pan syndrome.
“I don’t think that patients suffering from Peter Pan syndrome have the capacity to recognize that they are suffering,” Khurana tells mbg. “They have been in this situation/mindset for most of their life and don’t know any different.”
If you’re aware that you have a Peter Pan thing going on:
If you’ve noticed your carefree lifestyle seeping into other areas of your life, causing serious issues in your relationship, work life, or general well-being, Spinelli suggests starting therapy or life coaching.
If you’re with someone who has a Peter Pan thing going on:
If any of what you’ve read sounds like someone you’re in a relationship with, take a second and consider your next move. Communication can be a relationship saver: Make sure you’re on the same page about how you see the relationship, where it’s going, and what kind of dynamic you want between you as partners.
What you don’t want to do is combat their Peter Pan tendencies, says Khurana. Being the adult to their Peter Pan may only push them further into their childlike disposition.
Peter Pan syndrome isn’t an official diagnosis. It’s more like a pattern of behaviors, ideologies, and traits shared among a group of humans not yet ready to make that inevitable step into adulthood and the responsibilities that come with it.
If you feel like your relationship has a Peter Pan in it, then it may be time for a talk. Make space for curiosity and figure out about the life they’ve lived before you. It’s better to be on the same page about your relationship than coast through it with no idea where you see it going or if your partner is capable of giving you what you want in a relationship.