Holidays are marketed as joyful and magical. There are family gatherings, holiday company parties, winter celebrations and more. Yet for many people it can be a time of pain, especially when there is loss. The holidays can intensify this as the contrast between togetherness and loneliness expands. People can feel more invisible as their pain may not be seen; they can feel alone in a crowded room.
Grief is part of life, and it is a form of love that doesn’t have a socially appropriate season. It doesn’t stop or pause.
Learn how to get through the holiday season if you are dealing with any kind of grief. This includes what we may minimize as something small and “shouldn’t be a big deal,” as well as massive loss that is life altering. If you have experienced loss–no matter if it is from years ago or as recent as yesterday–this is for you.
Understanding Holiday Grief
Why does grief feel heavier during the holidays? There are several reasons why the holiday season can feel much harder and/or lonelier.
Traditions and rituals can highlight what or who is missing. There may be a certain event (dinner, gathering, party) that you always go to with a loved one or you had hopes of spending with your new baby.
The pressure to feel happy during this time can be unbearable when you are mourning. You may feel shame that you aren’t as happy as you “should” be, and sometimes people unknowingly cause shame by what they say about your lack of attendance or lack of a smile.
You may feel an increased urge to compare yourself with others — even strangers. You might compare your situation to your partner, family members, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, people you pass in the store, or the endless highlight reels on social media. You may notice how differently you and your partner are grieving, and wonder what that means. It can be heartbreaking to see a pregnant person when you are dealing with infertility or a miscarriage, siblings walking together when yours is gone, or a couple laughing together when your relationship has just ended. Comparison often rises quickly and silently — and it almost always deepens the pain.
The distance between joy and grief can feel like whiplash. The connection and love can feel so wonderful and the moments of loss and loneliness can feel so completely isolating. The feelings can feel much more intense and the hill back up from the loss can seem that much further.
Different Kinds of Loss
I first want to share that loss is loss. There isn’t a hierarchy. One is not harder or worse. It is all loss and it is all heartbreak. It is all a process that affects everyone differently. It may seem like a black hole that is hard to scramble out of. Or someone may work to keep their mind off it. Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves while others are more stoic. Some forms of loss that you may have experienced are:
Death of a loved one
Loss of estranged family or disconnection
Pregnancy loss or miscarriage
Infertility/ stillbirth
Child/infant loss
Divorce, separation, a breakup
Loss of health or mobility
Loss of a job/income/financial stability
Loss of routine or home
It doesn’t matter what form it takes; our hearts feel the ache just the same.
The Couple and Family Impact
Loss can put stress on even the strongest relationships, which can be caused by different grieving styles. One may want to talk and the other to withdraw. One may want to go out and be with friends and family while the other may want to stay home under a blanket. There are different ways to mourn, people process in different ways, and people have different access to their emotions.
“Why are you going out again?/ You never come out anymore”
“You haven’t dealt with it!”
“Could you just stop crying?”
On the other hand, one person may just shut down completely. It may be the cold shoulder or just not opening up to each other anymore.
If there is a divide, it can widen if you don’t share the grief.
What helps: Staying Connected Through the Pain
When loss is navigated as a team it can deepen your connection to your spouse/ partner.
Name and share the grief.
If you are missing them, share that. Notice if today is harder. Notice if you laughed for the first time in ages and how unexpected it was.
Make room for all emotions.
Grief is messy .It is all over the place. You may cry one minute then laugh the next. It is all okay. If you are able, welcome your emotions. It is not meant to be fixed. Be with yourself while you feel. Be with others as they feel, sit by them and breathe. Let them know you are there.
Rituals of remembrance.
This may be something they used to do or something they enjoyed or something completely new. You could light a candle, enjoy their favorite drink, and tell a story about them. Maybe you make one of their favorite dishes. Find something that means something to you. You may do this alone or choose to invite others to join you.
Re-evaluate expectations.
Give yourself permission to simplify or change traditions temporarily. Give yourself space to not have it be what it had been. You may even want to say “No” and have it be a complete sentence.
Check-in questions for couples:
What is something you are dreading this season?
What is one small thing that might feel comforting?
How can I support you today?
Gottman tools to bring to the forefront
What are ways to make clear bids for attention and turn towards each other? (Bring the other a cup of coffee, asking how their day was, snuggling closer on the sofa)
Use the Gentle Start Up for sensitive conversations. (I feel ___ about ___ and I want.)
Notice when the other has made a bid for connection, and let them know you noticed and appreciate it.
Supporting Others Who Are Grieving
When others are grieving it can be hard to know what to say or do. You may feel “dragged down” by their emotions. You may have already said “all the things” and have nothing more to say. Brene Brown talks about empathy being a sacred space to connect with the other person. Feelings are not meant to be fixed or minimized. It is okay to say that you don’t know what to say. If you can sit with the person who is grieving, breathe, and let them know you are with them, that may mean the world to them. And it is also fine to let them know if you have boundaries, “I can be here for the next hour and then I am heading out.” Or you can “tap” someone else in if you need a break.
Oftentimes people don’t know what to say when someone is “still” grieving. Instead of:
“Cheer up.”
“You will get over this.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
“You will be fine.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Instead try:
“I know this is hard.”
“I see how much pain you are in.”
“I am here with you.”
“I know I can’t fix it and I love you.”
Try offering specific support. Maybe they would appreciate a meal being made for them. If they have children, give them a few hours of childcare. Try having tea and offering a listening ear or to do some errands. Make sure you follow their lead; notice what they want or are willing to do.
When More Help Is Needed
Grief complicates relationships. You are not alone in this process even if you feel that way. Finding a grief support group can be supportive. Being able to talk openly with others who have gone through something similar can be freeing. Sharing without explaining or just hearing stories from others allows the space to know you are not alone.
Couples therapy can also be helpful. Being able to express to each other what you are feeling without criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, or contempt makes a difference. Sharing what you want, being able to negotiate what you can and can not do, and finding space to be able to grieve differently and still support each other is what helps the connection. The Gottman Referral Network has an extensive list of therapists who specialize in couples, family, individual therapy. Grief does not have to continue to be a divider, it can actually help build a stronger foundation.
Closing note
Grief has no season. It does not take long breaks, life continues around you, even in the midst of your world having been/being shaken to the core. Holiday time makes the contrast that much more visible. Holiday time also doesn’t mean the pain is erased, it just means that it can all exist at the same time. We are human and our experiences are vast.
You are not alone. You can connect with others/your spouse or partner. Others have gone through something similar. Being able to share with someone else–not fixing–but just having someone listen and validate your experience can be so powerful.
Remember that couples can benefit from creating rituals of comfort. Talk about ways to connect with each other even if it is different from what you want. Find shared meaning in your values and desires as you move toward creating something that works for you both.
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