Meeting your partner’s parents is an important step in the relationship. After all, the parents will likely be a significant part of the life you’re building with your partner. You want to do it at the right time and give yourself the best chance at making a great first impression, so here’s some expert advice to help ensure that your relationship with them gets off to a good start.
How long should you wait to meet your partner’s parents?
“Every relationship is different,” says relationship therapist Jaime Bronstein, LCSW. “You need to do what feels right and appropriate for yours.” As an example, she points out that a year in a long-distance relationship may feel very different from one in which you spend just about every day with your partner. Relationship coaches Devon and Asha Still agree, adding, “Time isn’t as much of a factor as is what you do with that time.”
All three dismiss the notion that there comes a definitive stage of the relationship when you should meet the parents. However, Bronstein believes that it is possible to make the move too soon.
“Around six months in the same city, dating and getting to know each other, is a nice average,” she says. “Just honor your voice. Don’t jump into it or be pressured to do something you’re not ready to do. If you’re taking this step, you should feel like you’re going to be with this person long term.”
Meeting the parents is about building on the relationship you have with your partner and developing one with the people closest to them. You’re being invited further into your significant other’s life. A conversation beforehand to ensure both of you are on the same page regarding why you’re taking this step could help relieve any anxiety about the first meeting.
That said, you don’t want to treat meeting the parents like a job interview and Google them or grill your partner for personal information. “You should already know a bit about their parents at this point in the relationship,” Bronstein advises. “If you don’t, that could be an indicator that it might not be time to meet them just yet.” She says that digging and “knowing too much could make you show up inauthentic, and what’s most important is that you show up as you.”
Though you don’t want to do any hard-core research, be sure you’re aware of important details. For instance, make sure you know the proper pronunciation of their names. Ask about dietary restrictions so you don’t show up with crab dip if mom has a seafood allergy. Learn just enough to not faceplant, but not so much that you start to feel like being yourself isn’t good enough.
Don’t stress about what to wear when meeting the parents. Put on something you feel relaxed in, short of loungewear. “Obviously, you want to be respectful,” Bronstein says. “But dress like yourself. When in doubt as far as what to wear, I always say it’s better to be overdressed than underdressed.”
Tips for making a great first impression:
“A good first impression is an honest first impression,” Asha says. “Most times we put so much pressure on trying to make the best impression when meeting our partner’s family that it comes off forced or uncomfortable. Allow them to get to know who you are, not just a representation of what you think they would want to see.”
2. Show up how you want to be received.
“I view meeting your partner’s parents as similar to a job interview in this aspect only,” Bronstein says. She echoes the sentiment of authenticity but suggests putting your best foot forward. Show up as the best version of you. For instance, if alcohol negatively alters your behavior and you don’t want that to influence how the parents feel about you, maybe don’t drink during the get-together.
Actively engage in getting to know your partner’s parents. We all like to feel as though we’re being listened to and that a person genuinely cares what we have to say. Bronstein recommends accomplishing this by “peeling the onion” during the conversation. Delve into the things they say, one layer at a time. Ask follow-up questions and show that you want to understand them.
Don’t aim to control the interaction. If you try to peel the onion and they don’t want to go deeper, move on. You might have things you’d like to talk about, but as Asha says, “If the conversation goes in a different direction, go with the flow.” Being pushy or rigid is a fast way to turn someone off.
While deep research isn’t necessary, Bronstein does encourage finding out what the parents like so you can bring a thoughtful thank you gift. Something such as a bottle of their favorite wine if you have dinner at their house would be perfect.
Thinking too far ahead and wondering if the parents like you can distract you from the conversation, which might also increase the chances that you’ll say something off base or something that shows you’re not paying attention to the people you should be getting to know. “You can never go wrong with staying in the moment,” Bronstein says.
No matter how things go, your partner’s parents took time out of their day to meet you. Let them know you appreciate that.
What to talk about & questions to ask.
You and your partner’s parents have one definite thing in common: You all care about your partner. Asha recommends using this mutual interest as a catalyst for discussion. “Go into the conversation asking questions that relate to your partner and things they’ve instilled in them over the years,” she says.
In addition to all things significant other, you and their parents can talk about:
Their hobbies and what they do for fun
How they met
Their favorite television shows
Where they grew up
Their work
Local happenings
What to avoid talking about.
“Often, people suggest not discussing certain topics like religion or politics right away,” Asha points out. “However, we believe in just testing the water before you jump in. Those topics amongst others are very important to discuss and may also give you a different perspective on your partner’s upbringing, beliefs, and values.”
Topics you may want to “test the water” on before initiating a full-blown discussion during that first meeting include:
The president and politics
High-profile news and current events
Sexuality
Religious beliefs and theories
Previous relationships
You want your partner’s parents to welcome you into their family with open arms. That’s understandable. “It happens a lot where parents don’t like who their child picks as a partner,” Bronstein admits. “That can make things hard. But boundaries need to be set with both your parents.”
Don’t allow their opinions to dictate your behavior or your relationship. Be respectful. Be yourself. Live with the results and let them learn to love you for you.
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