Sarah Regan is a Spirituality & Relationships Editor, and a registered yoga instructor. She received her bachelor’s in broadcasting and mass communication from SUNY Oswego, and lives in Buffalo, New York.
Image by Clique Images / Stocksy
July 7, 2023
The term “gaslighting” has undoubtedly made its way into the relationship zeitgeist in recent years, with more and more people able to recognize when they’re being gaslit.
In a new study published in the journal Personal Relationships, researchers wanted to dig into gaslighting and other forms of manipulation, in order to understand the impact of this kind of abuse on survivors. Here’s what they found.
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Studying coercive control and the impact of gaslighting
For this study, 65 survivors of gaslighting filled out an open-ended questionnaire on what they’d gone through in previous abusive relationships. To be clear, this study notes that gaslighting and coercive control are forms of intimate partner violence (IPV).
The questionnaire included questions on specific instances of gaslighting, as well as personal effects and consequences, recovering from IPV, and how the relationship impacted survivors’ sense of self.
Below are five standout control tactics that a majority of the participants reported.
Naturally, this research was about gaslighting to begin with, so all of the participants detailed when and how they’d been gaslit in the past. Things like accusations of incompetence, being overly emotional, and even mental instability were all reported, with the researchers noting that these kinds of tactics diminish both a person’s sense of self and their trust in others.
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Love bombing—a form of emotional manipulation used to gain power over a person by showering them with what appears to be tons of affection and attention—was another common control tactic reported in the study. Namely, the researchers note, love bombing typically occurred in the early stages of a relationship before other forms of gaslighting began.
Many of the participants reported that their gaslighters were affectionate one moment and then explosive the next. “These fluctuations occurred either on a moment-to-moment time span, or over longer periods of time (i.e., days or weeks),” the study authors note.
As one participant wrote in their questionnaire, “Arguments started for no reason, switching rapidly to being extremely affectionate and sexual.” And as the researchers explain, this kind of erratic behavior contributed to participants’ experience of uncertainty and confusion.
Isolation was another standout tactic identified by this study as form of manipulative control, primarily through the gaslighter expressing negative opinions about participants’ friends or family.
The study authors note that isolation not only allows the perpetrator to avoid accountability (because the victim has no one to seek advice or a second opinion from), but survivors had fewer avenues to fulfill social needs, and isolation contributed to feeling like a “shell of themselves.”
Lastly, cold shouldering was another common control tactic reported by gaslighting survivors, with one participant even noting that when she broke her partner’s “rules,” he would glare at her “with these eyes totally devoid of emotion except hatred and almost shaking, then give me the silent treatment for a few hours.”
Cold shouldering as a form of punishment “is demeaning and communicates to survivors that they are out of sync with what is reasonable,” the study authors explain, adding that while cold shouldering is not necessarily an example of gaslighting itself, it is a “pattern of problematic behavior that can contribute to and enable the overall relationship dynamic.”
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What to do about if you’re being gaslit
We only just scratched the surface of the findings of this research, and if you have the time, the full study is published online and worth a poke through if you’ve ever experienced (or are currently experiencing) emotional abuse. But ultimately, these findings make one thing abundantly clear: Emotional manipulation is rampant and it’s essential to be able to spot it.
The good news is, while survivors of gaslighting relationships did report a diminished sense of self and increased guardedness after the relationship ended, some participants experienced post-traumatic growth, in which they focused on establishing healthier relationship boundaries and/or having a clearer and stronger sense of self.
The most reported activity in recovering from a gaslighting relationship was socializing, and namely, re-engaging with others and doing things that helped survivors regain their sense of self, such as creative hobbies like art or writing.
Gaslighting gets thrown around a lot nowadays, but don’t underestimate the profound impact this form of abuse can have on someone’s sense of self. The path to recovering from a gaslighting relationship will take time and self-care, but it is possible to experience growth and a stronger self concept on the other side.
If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.
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