If the idea of talking with your teen reminds you more of a tug of war than an actual conversation, you’re not alone. Many parents and teens alike report feeling disconnected and frustrated with the state of communication in their family.
Why does communication often become challenging, and sometimes even awkward when our children reach the teen years? Is it true that hormonal changes or a rebellious attitude create distance between a teen and their parent/s? What makes teens feel defensive when asked, “how was your day?”, when just a few years ago, that same child talked about everything and anything while in the car ride home?
And now that you are here, how can you work to shift the communication relationship so that you and your teen/s feel heard, seen, and safe to share?
The good news is that there are many strategies for parents to try to open the lines of communication with their teens. The more challenging news is that not every strategy will work for every person, and thus parents should be open to trying different strategies that match the personality of their family. Parents should be ready to try, give time, and grace to themselves and their teens. Just as adult members of a family have different personalities, so too do teens. If you have more than one teen in your life, chances are they may have different communication styles from one another. What creates meaningful discussion between two people will differ. While you may find conversations easier with one of your children, a conversation with your other or a different child in the household may feel more strained. Remember to validate every personality style in your household and frame expectations accordingly.
When you are ready to begin the shift in communication, one should start with evaluating where the current relationship stands.
What is your teen willing to share with you?
What do you talk about the most?
What topics do you tend to discuss with your teen the most?
Do you ask about grades, responsibilities, chores, or schedules?
If you notice that conversations are mostly parent-led about responsibility or topics that require task completion this is a great place to start. Try to shift towards your teen talking about other areas of their life to improve the quality of your communication.
Strategies to increase communication
1) Listen more than you talk. If your teen is willing to talk and share, practice active listening. Focus your questions on what you hear them say. Small details to you may be a much bigger detail to your teen.
2) If your teen has more energy later in the evening, try to talk with them then. As teens navigate these challenging years, their rhythm often creates a more active brain in the later hours of the day. Opening the lines of communication when teens are more ready to chat could be a change in the right direction.
3) Try non-verbal communication. Share a journal where you may be able to write notes back and forth. Engage in text chats with your teen when possible and appropriate in their day. Even if you receive a one word answer back, keep at it. Try to add in topics that aren’t only about your teens responsibilities.
Some phrases to try:
I am proud of you because…
That was cool when ….
I really liked talking about …. with you today
Thank you for ……
4) Silence can be golden… When giving it your best effort to start a chat with your teen doesn’t work and you are met with the silent treatment, it can feel frustrating. Sometimes it can feel uncomfortable and our reaction may be to fill the space with more questions. But, maybe sitting in silence together is ok once in a while.
5) Don’t take it personally. This one is hard. You are only human. This person that used to look at you with such adoration and would actually cry when you weren’t near, can now act indifferent, aloof, or even contentious towards you. Remind yourself that as the adult in the relationship, you are responsible for promoting a positive and safe communication space. You may need to step away, take deep breaths, and if needed try again later.
6) Tap into their interests. Take some time to learn about things they like. Kids and teens are really great at detecting when parents are trying to “fake it”. They don’t want adults trying to fit in with their generation, but they appreciate being able to talk about the current events that are important to them, or the current music or popular entertainment.
7) Let your ego go. If you are a parent or important figure in a teen’s life, you are probably not viewed as “cool” from their perspective. That’s totally fine. Think back to your own teen years and visualize the adults in your life. You didn’t need them to be cool. You needed them to be there, safe, and supportive.
8) Do not lead with judgment. The impulse can be to solve the problems of our teens because we don’t feel good when they don’t feel good. Offering solutions, or trying to solve issues too quickly can feel like judgment in the eyes of a teen.
Here are some non- judgmental phrases to try:
Tell me more about that…
Why do you think that worked out that way?
Is there something anyone could have done differently?
Do you need me to offer guidance, or do you just need me to listen?
9) Be willing to let go of expectations for the talks you have with your teen. If you envision heartfelt conversations but they don’t feel comfortable with that, you may need to adjust your expectations. The goal is to be the person your teen can turn to if they need help with issues such as bullying, relationships, depression, drugs, sex, etc. Some topics are ok to exist between just them and their friends.
10) Admit when you are wrong. Apologize. Tell the truth. Authenticity invites trust in all human relationships. Lead by example and show your teen how to be humble in moments of misstep. If you raise your voice in a moment of frustration, or deliver your message with a rude tone, apologize and try again.
If you are open to trying some of these strategies, you are already on a path to improved communication with your teen. This can be a challenging stage of life where everyone involved feels confused, isolated and misunderstood. Try to remember that the human experience is not about perfection, but about building relationships with those that we love. By setting boundaries, clear expectations, and leading with empathy and an active listening ear, we can create new bonds with our teens that are just as fulfilling as the childhood bonds formed previously.
