One of the most common problems in a sexual relationship is a mismatch in sex drives, also known as a sexual desire discrepancy. This is where one partner desires sex more frequently than the other. The cycle usually goes like this: The higher desire partner initiates sex repeatedly, the lower desire partner repeatedly says “no” or says “yes” infrequently, the higher desire partner gets frustrated and feels rejected and unwanted, the lower desire partner feels pressured and not enough. This leads to arguments, that sometimes result in an uptick in sexual frequency for a few weeks but inevitably returns to a baseline of desire mismatch. And then the cycle repeats itself and the couple is gridlocked on this issue. This is a classic example of what Gottman calls a perpetual problem or unsolvable problem.
If a problem is unsolvable, then what do you do?
An unsolvable problem doesn’t mean a hopeless problem. When a problem is unsolvable that simply means that it’s a result of a personality or lifestyle difference between partners. In contrast, a solvable problem is situational, like whether you load bowls on the top or bottom of the dishwasher. With the unsolvable problem of sexual desire discrepancy, this is often the result of a biological difference in sexual desire between partners. It’s not a preference, like how the dishwasher is loaded, it is a physiological difference.
If you and your partner have a difference in your levels of sexual desire, the first step is to stop approaching the problem as if it’s a solvable problem. Stop trying to find a fix for a problem that cannot actually be solved. Instead, approach it as an unsolvable problem, which is not about finding a solution, but instead is about finding understanding, acceptance, and then working toward actively coping with the difference. Gottman’s communication exercise called Dreams Within Conflict is a great tool to move to understanding.
Dreams Within Conflict
The key to unlocking the gridlock of a sexual desire mismatch is to understand that there is likely something deeper to this issue that needs to be understood. If sexual frequency was not a big deal to you or your partner, then this issue would not turn into such a vicious cycle. The fact that it keeps repeating and has landed you both into a place of gridlock means this issue is a big deal to one or both of you. Use Dreams Within Conflict to understand why this is so important.
Dreams Within conflict guides you and your partner through a series of questions to try to uncover the core issue beneath this conflict. Often, with a sexual desire discrepancy, the higher desire partner uncovers that sexual connection is actually about feeling wanted, feeling connected or feeling loved. The lower desire partner usually uncovers the deeper feelings of feeling good enough, feeling accepted, and feeling valued.
Before you and your partner move to acceptance and actively coping with this discrepancy, you both need to fully understand the deeper meaning behind this gridlocked issue. It’s impossible to move past gridlock until both parties feel understood. As you work toward understanding, there are a few key sex education concepts every couple needs to know. The first concept is spontaneous versus responsive desire, and the second concept is the Dual Control Model.
Two Types of Desire
There are actually two types of sexual desire, but typically only one is ever taught about in sex education or portrayed in the media.
Spontaneous Desire
The first type of desire is called spontaneous desire. This is the type of desire that spontaneously happens, out of the blue. You spontaneously think, “I’d like to have sex.” I think of this type of desire as a microwave. You put the food in, hit a few buttons, and within seconds it’s hot.
Responsive Desire
The second type of desire, which is equally important, is called responsive desire. This type of desire starts out from a place of neutrality. You are sexually neutral. Sex is not on your mind, but the ingredients are in place to allow you to be open to being sexual. Those ingredients might be: good energy, privacy, a strong emotional connection with your partner, and feeling relaxed. Your partner then initiates sex and you think, “Hmm, I wasn’t thinking about sex, but I’d be open to it.” And then once the sensual and sexual touching begins, your body starts to feel aroused and your mind says, “This is nice. Why don’t we do this more often?” I think of this type of desire as a slow cooker. You get the right ingredients in place and it takes time for them to warm up.
Talking about Desire
It’s essential to talk with your partner about these two types of desire and identify which type best fits each of you. Commonly partners have a sexual desire mismatch not because they genuinely desire a different frequency of sexual activity, but instead because the way they each experience desire (microwave vs. slow cooker) is so different. Understanding how your partner experiences desire, and helping them get the right ingredients in place, may be all that’s needed to work toward a more satisfying sexual relationship.
Dual Control Model
If your desire, or your partner’s desire, is predominantly a slow cooker, then you need to figure out what ingredients need to be in place to maximize your responsive desire. You can think about these ingredients as either hitting the gas (increasing) on your desire or hitting the brakes (decreasing) on your desire. You need to have more ingredients hitting your gas, than hitting your brakes in order to have responsive desire. This is called the Dual Control Model, meaning that your desire is controlled by a balance of what’s hitting the gas and what’s hitting the brakes.
Most of the couples I work with initially focus on what’s hitting the gas to improve their desire (for example, date nights, lingerie, sexual accessories), but that’s actually not the best place to start. You need to start with what’s hitting the brakes, and remove as much as possible off the brake pedal before focusing on the gas pedal will be helpful. Therefore, your first step is to identify all the ingredients hitting your brakes, and remove as many of these as possible. Later you can think about adding gas to the gas pedal.
Take a moment and think about what ingredients hit your brakes. Below are the most common brakes, organized into four categories:
Biological
Hormones (e.g., menopause)
Fatigue
Medications (e.g., SSRIs)
Illness/Chronic pain
Psychological
Anxiety
Stress
Depression
Poor body image
Relational
Lack of emotional intimacy
Lack of privacy
General relationship conflict
Poor sexual communication
Sociocultural
Limited sex education
Conflict with religious values
Societal taboos
Problem Solving the Unsolvable Problem
The goal of “solving” this unsolvable problem of a sexual desire mismatch is not to fix it the way you’d fix a situational issue, but instead to understand it. Build understanding through Dreams Within Conflict, talking about different types of desire, and exploring the ingredients needed for responsive desire. Then work toward accepting the differences. Your biological drive differences are not likely to change, but your ability to better understand them, change the story around them (e.g., it’s not that she doesn’t love me), and work together as teammates to get the right ingredients in place absolutely can change.
For help getting these conversations started, check out the sex questions in the free Gottman Card Deck app, the Gottman Relationship Coach – Enriching your Sex Life module, and Emily Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are.
