No matter how much you love your partner, if you’re in a long-term relationship, you won’t always see eye-to-eye. That may sound like too bold a statement, but it’s the truth.
Regardless of how in sync you may be, no two human beings will always agree on everything. In fact, the ability to challenge each other and help one another grow through different opinions is a benefit of a healthy relationship.
Until it’s not.
After years together, patience and communication can break down, and the different opinions you each hold can become a source of,
• Tension • Stress • Frustration
And lead to frequent arguments. Before long, she’s saying he’s an “ass”, and he’s saying she’s a “bitch”. At this point, any thoughtful exchange of ideas has gone out the window, and you end up in a cycle of negativity.
But it doesn’t have to stay that way.
Changing your perspective on your mate can make a big difference in your relationship.
You Don’t HAVE To Change Your Perspective – You GET To
Changing your perspective to improve your relationship first requires you to work on your personal approach to, well, probably most things.
It’s not uncommon for partners who are always at odds with one another to struggle with negativity in their approach to daily life.
• “Ugh, I have to take the kids to soccer practice – again.” • “I can already tell it’s going to be a bad day.” • “People are idiots!” • “I’ll never be successful/happy/satisfied,” or whatever else you may focus on.
These are just tiny examples of common negative thoughts that can creep into your life. Once there, these thoughts stick like burrs in the corners of your mind and attract more and more of their kind. So, lucky you! You don’t have to change your perspective – you GET to! And that means you GET to find ways to be happier each day.
See what I did there?
Taking a closer look at the things around you that you routinely feel negative about and reframing your approach will help you daily and set the stage for making positive perspective changes in your relationship also.
It’s All In The Way You Look At Things
Changing your negative thoughts to positive ones starts with deliberate reframing.
• “I’ve got great kids, and I get to be the one to help them experience sports. They’ll always remember that.” • “It’s a good thing there are many hours in a day – that means time for positive things to happen.” • “People don’t always think before they act, many are distracted by problems I don’t know about. I’ll continue to control those things I can and accept the things I can’t.” • “I’m not feeling the way I’d like to. I’ll make a list of what I can do to change that.”
These might not be the exact way you chose to reframe things, but these or anything close will make a positive impact. And the more you do this, the more conditioned you become to take a positive approach.
So, how does this help your relationship?
To begin with, a positive perspective on things will change how people react to you – including your partner.
If you consider people who generally approach things from a positive angle, you’ll notice that they’re often,
• Collaborative • Encouraging • Attentive listeners • Balanced in their feedback.
These traits elicit a more effective response from others, rather than a combative approach. This is true in all relationships, including romantic ones. But as mentioned earlier, these changes in the overall approach are just what sets the stage for the next step when it comes to your relationship.
Photo : Freepik
Adjusting The Perspective Dial In Your Relationship
Anyone who’s been in a relationship for a long time knows that the person you love the most is the one who can push your buttons the quickest.
The intense level of familiarity in a long-term relationship can mean taking each other for granted and lashing out to release frustration. So, even if you’re working on a positive approach to everything else, the wrong words at the right time can send you both into a negative loop.
If you’re intentional about things, you can stop before you get to that point.
The next click on the perspective dial is working to understand your partner’s perspective. She’s not a bitch, and he’s not an ass – more likely each person feels,
• Unseen • Unheard
and
• Not understood (which is different from being misunderstood)
There is a “why” behind all behavior. Taking time to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and trying to see things the way they see them helps you understand their “why” and begin understanding their perspective. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with it though.
Doing this can create empathy and compassion, opening the door to better communication and positive change.
It can also help change the way you view your partner. Knowing the “why” behind behavior and trying to see things from their point of view can let you see them in a new and likely more positive way.
When practiced consistently, these efforts will break down barriers between you two and allow you to see each other in a way that helps your connection and love grow stronger.
Practice Is What Changes Perspective In A Relationship
This isn’t at all as easy or a Pollyanna as it sounds. Changing your personal perspective on daily frustrations and learning to look at things from your partner’s perspective takes practice. And then more practice.
And when it comes to improving your relationship, it also can’t be a one-sided endeavor. While the effort you put into things will undoubtedly help you in your daily life and overall happiness, effectively changing your relationship will require you both to participate. A strong, healthy, and happy relationship takes an all-in attitude from both partners, which means you will each need to adjust your perspectives from time to time.
Dr. Kurt Smith is the Clinical Director of Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, a Northern California counseling practice that specializes in helping men and the women who love them. His expertise is in understanding men, their partners, and the unique relationship challenges couples face today. Dr. Kurt is a lover of dogs, sarcasm, everything outdoors, and helping those seeking to make their relationships better.
