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September 24, 2021 — 11:28 AM
While most people know what direct aggression looks like, sometimes people display aggression indirectly. You’ve probably met someone who falls into the latter category—aka someone who’s passive-aggressive. Here’s what passive aggression is all about, examples to watch out for, and what to do if someone is being passive-aggressive toward you.
What does it mean to be passive-aggressive?
Someone who is passive-aggressive acts out their anger in ways that are cloaked and hidden, explains therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC. “Essentially, you ‘hide’ your little acts of violence in plain sight. This makes passive-aggression uniquely insidious and destructive.”
Passive-aggressive behavior can be anything that avoids direct confrontation but still expresses a negative emotion, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Weena Cullins, LCMFT. She notes that this, of course, sends mixed signals to the person on the receiving end of the aggression, which can be confusing, frustrating, and lead to emotional distrust. Muñoz adds that it’s also difficult to prove someone is being passive-aggressive, which can make it even more confusing.
11 behaviors to look out for:
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“Indirectly refusing to meet someone’s needs is a form of passive-aggressive behavior,” says Cullins. For example, say you’ve asked your partner or a roommate to take care of the dishes multiple times, and they don’t outright say no—but they don’t intend to do the dishes. Sure, maybe they’re just being lazy. But they could also be purposefully avoiding the dishes in a spiteful way, without telling you directly what’s going on.
Muñoz tells mbg that ghosting is a classic passive-aggressive behavior. Rather than owning the fact that they no longer wish to speak with you, a passive-aggressive person would rather let it all go unsaid—by never speaking to you again.
Oftentimes, passive-aggressive people will repeatedly arrive late, Muñoz notes. Cullins adds that this can look like procrastinating, as well. The idea behind this is, if there’s something a passive-aggressive person doesn’t want to do, they will put it off until the last second rather than airing their grievances directly.
Silence can be very passive-aggressive in certain contexts. This can look like stonewalling in the middle of an argument, ignoring a question, or leaving a text on “read.” As Cullins says, silence anytime a response is warranted can count as passive-aggression.
Sometimes people will make up excuses for doing or not doing something rather than directly stating the frustrations they have. “Regularly getting sick in a way that interferes with responsibilities, or ‘forgetting’ important appointments or dates,” can be passive-aggressive, according to Muñoz.
Sometimes people will display passive-aggression in the things they say, including making patronizing comments, Muñoz notes. Maybe they undermine your intelligence with phrases like “Do you know what I mean by that?” or vaguely disrespect you with pet names like “kid” or “honey.” Anything that makes them seem superior, and you inferior, can be very passive-aggressive. (This is a typical narcissist behavior as well.)
Sarcasm, too, is passive-aggressive in certain contexts, according to Muñoz. For example, if you invite your partner to a family gathering and they say, “Yeah, you know how much I love your family,” in a sarcastic tone, that’s passive-aggressive. Rather than directly talking about their issues with your family, they’re expressing their negative feelings by masking them under the guise of a joke.
8. Backhanded compliments
Cullins and Muñoz both tell mbg backhanded compliments are very passive-aggressive. Think statements like, “I’m impressed you acted civilized all night,” or “Wow, your outfit is actually really cute today.” This behavior can also be considered negging, which is actually a form of manipulation.
9. Unsolicited opinions or advice
According to Muñoz, unsolicited opinions around personal topics can be passive-aggressive. Similar to patronizing comments, maybe they say something like, “I’d focus on losing a few pounds if I were you,” or “You’ve been looking really tired lately—you should get more sleep.”
10. Contemptuous comments
Vaguely contemptuous comments of all kinds, aka anything that comes off disrespectful, can be passive-aggressive. For example, Muñoz says, maybe you cook someone a nice meal, and they give you faint praise like, “Good meal, it was edible.”
11. Negative body language
Last but not least, Cullins notes body language can be passive-aggressive, too. Maybe they’re pouting, crossing their arms, or rolling their eyes, instead of saying outright what’s bothering them. Really, any behavior that expresses negative feelings without directly stating them is passive-aggressive, she adds.
Where passive-aggression comes from.
So, why are people passive-aggressive? According to somatic psychologist and author of Reclaiming Pleasure Holly Richmond, Ph.D., it can stem from being taught to people-please and avoid conflict, often in childhood. “They learned that conflict wouldn’t get them what they wanted so they had to present it in a nice way and be subversive about getting their needs met,” she explains.
As Muñoz adds, it can also result from being out of touch with your own anger, “because you judge it, dislike it, or fear it.” If you can’t accept your own anger—and take responsibility for it—she notes, it leaks out through your actions, words, and body language. “Often, it develops when people believe they need to control, hide, disguise or deny their anger in order to preserve their relationships with others,” she says.
And sometimes, if a person has experienced rejection after being transparent in previous relationships, Cullins notes, it can discourage them from being direct in the future. “Some people even believe it’s a safe way to get what they want without sparking confrontation,” she previously explained to mbg, “while others aren’t even aware that their behavior is passive-aggressive.”
How to deal with passive-aggressive people.
If someone is acting passive-aggressive toward you, Muñoz says you’ll first want to bring attention to whatever the person said or did that rubbed you the wrong way. “You can do this by asking them a simple question,” she adds, “or by putting the focus on what was done.”
She suggests questions like: Can you repeat what you just said? I want to make sure I heard you correctly. Or, Did you just offer me unsolicited advice about my weight/looks/relationship status? “Or you might simply say, ‘What exactly do you mean by that?’ she notes.
When you do this, you’re challenging them to notice their words and actions—and how they affect you. “The point isn’t to try to make anyone admit they’ve been passive-aggressive. It’s to make sure you don’t lose your voice or your right to boundaries,” Muñoz adds. From there, they have a chance to understand their own motives and feelings, and so will you.
And according to Cullins, it can also be worthwhile to make sure the person knows what passive-aggression looks like. This can lead to an honest and more productive discussion about their feelings and needs, she adds, and you can also make them aware of how their behavior affects you. “For example,” she suggests, “you might say, ‘It’s confusing when you tell me you are fine but your face looks angry. It makes me uncomfortable when I suspect that I don’t know how you really feel or what you need.'”
It’s confusing and frustrating to be on the receiving end of passive-aggression, and at the end of the day, healthy relationships (romantic or not) are all about open and honest communication. When it happens, don’t be afraid to call it out. And if it continues with no sign of improvement, they’re probably not someone you want in your life.